#1
Threw me Away

It’s over now
Get out of my head
You said it’s over
And left me for dead

You stole my heart
Played about for a while
Burnt a whole in the middle
And handed it back with a smile

I like you
And I can’t get over the fact
We barely had a chance
If even that

But you know I’ve learnt to shake things off
I threw your memories from my mind
Your no longer with me
But your scents been left behind

Get out of my head
Please just go
I want you away
With nothing to show

And if I could say one last thing to you
You know what it would be?
You had your chance
Now what about me?



Second song i've ever written. Hopefully it's better than the last. Comments please.
Party
Pants
In
My
Come
Wanna
You?


Quote by M.B.MetalTabber
clothes, you don't want as much detail as emptybullet gave you now, do you?
#2
Hey, Crit 4 Crit, i crit yours you crit mine
theres mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=14196792#post14196792
Quote by Empty_Bullet
Threw me Away

It’s over now
Get out of my head
You said it’s over
And left me for dead
Perfect First Stanza
You stole my heart
Played about for a while
Burnt a whole in the middle
And handed it back with a smile
Everything is good besides that second line Try Adding in a few words to describe better than just "played about for awhile"
I like you
And I can’t get over the fact
We barely had a chance
If even that
Instead of I Like You Put something like I love you or i need you, i need you would go nicely
But you know I’ve learnt to shake things off
I threw your memories from my mind
Your no longer with me
But your scents been left behind
Second Line Doesent Fit in with the 1,3,4
Get out of my head
Please just go
I want you away
With nothing to show
Nothing Wrong here
And if I could say one last thing to you
You know what it would be?
You had your chance
Now what about me?
This Stanza Sounds A little...Edgy but its pertty good, Just try Touching it up with some better words



Second song i've ever written. Hopefully it's better than the last. Comments please.
#3
Quote by Empty_Bullet
Threw me Away

"It’s over now
Get out of my head
You said it’s over
And left me for dead"


I think you should get rid of one of the overs. Put in done or something just to change it a bit and not be a little repetitive.

"You stole my heart
Played about for a while
Burnt a whole in the middle
And handed it back with a smile"


Like it, fine how it is.

"I like you
And I can’t get over the fact
We barely had a chance
If even that"


As the other guy said, change the like to need. Possibly get rid of the "and" in the second line also.

"But you know I’ve learnt to shake things off
I threw your memories from my mind
Your no longer with me
But your scents been left behind"


I think the first line is too much, too wordy. Basically just cut the "but you know". Also, I think the second line would sound better, to me at lest, without the I.

"Get out of my head
Please just go
I want you away
With nothing to show

And if I could say one last thing to you
You know what it would be?
You had your chance
Now what about me?"


These two are fine Although I think I would cut the And in the second stanza, but that is just me. Then again the and adds to the ending, know what I mean. So it is a 50-50.





Just my opinion.
#4
I think it is so wrong when people tell you what lyrics to change and how to change em...
Just focus on what ya like and what ya dont like and why folks!

Ithink it had the sign "My girl left me alone" written all over it...
It was straight and simple...
did SHE read it?

Please crit mine, Spent, front page
#5
Quote by KenMasters
I think it is so wrong when people tell you what lyrics to change and how to change em...
Just focus on what ya like and what ya dont like and why folks!

Ithink it had the sign "My girl left me alone" written all over it...
It was straight and simple...
did SHE read it?

Please crit mine, Spent, front page


I like to hear to peoples opinions though, but good point man.
Yeah it's about getting dumped...
No, she hasn't read it.
Yeah I'll crit yours dude.
Party
Pants
In
My
Come
Wanna
You?


Quote by M.B.MetalTabber
clothes, you don't want as much detail as emptybullet gave you now, do you?
#6
Quote by Empty_Bullet
Threw me Away

It’s over now
Get out of my head
You said it’s over
And left me for dead
good rhyming here, sounds a little forced but fits in in a wierd twsted way...

You stole my heart
Played about for a while
Burnt a whole in the middle
And handed it back with a smile
again same as the first one

I like you
And I can’t get over the fact
We barely had a chance
If even that
not that great but not horrible either

But you know I’ve learnt to shake things off
I threw your memories from my mind
Your no longer with me
But your scents been left behind
this ones pretty good it shows what you are trying to explain better.

Get out of my head
Please just go
I want you away
With nothing to show
the last line kills an otherwise great stanza if it fit it wouldv'e been amazing though.

And if I could say one last thing to you
You know what it would be?
You had your chance
Now what about me?
not a bad stanza here either



Second song i've ever written. Hopefully it's better than the last. Comments please.


all in all, it's pretty good espeically for your 2nd peice.
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#7
I took all your critism into mind and some of my own ideas and edited the last version, what do you think of it?

Threw Me Away (Version 2)

It’s through now
Get out of my head
You said it’s over
And left me for dead

You stole my heart
Laughed and giggled for a while
Burnt a whole in the middle
And handed it back with a smile

I need you
And can’t get over the fact
We barely had a chance
If even that

I’ve learnt to shake things off
Threw your memories from my mind
Your no longer with me
But I can feel you on my hind

Get out of my head
Please just go
I want you away
With nothing to show

And if I could say one last thing to you
You know what it would be?
You had your chance laughing
It’s not funny your free


I'm not sure about parts of it, but i think it's an improvement, what do you think? This song means a lot to me, so i'm glad of any feed back.
Party
Pants
In
My
Come
Wanna
You?


Quote by M.B.MetalTabber
clothes, you don't want as much detail as emptybullet gave you now, do you?
Last edited by Empty_Bullet at May 11, 2008,
#8
Threw Me Away (Version 3)

It’s through now
Get out of my head
You said it’s over
Like you wanted me dead

You stole my heart
Laughed and giggled for a while
Burnt a hole in the middle
Handed it back with a smile

I need you
And can’t get over the fact
We barely had a chance
I wanted it so much
It almost hurt me in fact
And now it over and dead
Did you want that?

I’ve learnt to shake things off
Threw your memories from my mind
You’re no longer with me
But your memories intact

Get out of my head
Leave, just go
My thoughts in a fight
Knocked out with one cheap blow

And if I could say one last thing
You know what it would be?
You had your chance laughing
It’s not funny to me.


I definately think this is an improvement. I think this will be the final version. What do you guys think?
Party
Pants
In
My
Come
Wanna
You?


Quote by M.B.MetalTabber
clothes, you don't want as much detail as emptybullet gave you now, do you?
#9
Tis definitelly better...
I love the second part...
Shoun have kept it "And handed it back with a smile though
#10
Quote by KenMasters
Tis definitelly better...
I love the second part...
Shoun have kept it "And handed it back with a smile though


You don't think the ''And'' makes it too long and non fitting with the rest? Thats what I thought. But i'm trying to make this song perfect so i'll take that into consideration.
Party
Pants
In
My
Come
Wanna
You?


Quote by M.B.MetalTabber
clothes, you don't want as much detail as emptybullet gave you now, do you?
#11
better than the first 1.
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#12
Quote by Empty_Bullet
You don't think the ''And'' makes it too long and non fitting with the rest? Thats what I thought. But i'm trying to make this song perfect so i'll take that into consideration.

When you sing it you can tunr "and" into 'n' so it sticks toghthr