#1
evil shadows
thoughts of death.
words of venom
stain my breath

i pause to warn
all who read,
the darkness finds
a way to breed.

it burrows through
the souls of men
and brings them to
a bitter end.

so run and hide
from shadows cast.
too late, you fool
the moment's passed.

you'll die like he
who came before,
while searching for
an exit door.

his thoughts were ripped
like insect legs
and to this day
still he begs.

but mercy is
not found within.
the darkness shows
its evil grin.

you wonder why
these words i've spread,
of evil spawned
within my head.

the reason is
so plain to see.
the dead just crave
some company.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at May 21, 2008,
#2
you got the spider, depression, and rhyming. Two problems though.

1. too obvious. Emily would've been more subtle.
2. Needs to be in hymn or ballad meter. Emily's would have been in hymn or ballad meter.

#3
Nice try, but it came off too personal...
Could you check either of mine, Spent or No one can tell you
#6
Nice lyrics, a little dark for me, but none the less effective. Check this out, the last line of the 6th verse, "he still begs", try switching that around. I think that "still he begs" sounds more natural. i dunno, just thought i would offer something usefull. Oh, and you can never make a song too personal. never tone a song down because someone says its too personal, or its too up front. personality is one thing that there needs to be more of in todays music.
#8
Quote by rhcp3412
Nice lyrics, a little dark for me, but none the less effective. Check this out, the last line of the 6th verse, "he still begs", try switching that around. I think that "still he begs" sounds more natural. i dunno, just thought i would offer something usefull. Oh, and you can never make a song too personal. never tone a song down because someone says its too personal, or its too up front. personality is one thing that there needs to be more of in todays music.
Thanks.
I don't think what you suggested would be more "natural". I think it could be more elegant.

I think it plays better using the order it's in now, following the line that precedes it.
But I'm not completely happy with that line either. I'll probably change it on re-write.


Quote by #1 synth
you got the spider, depression, and rhyming. Two problems though.

1. too obvious. Emily would've been more subtle.
2. Needs to be in hymn or ballad meter. Emily's would have been in hymn or ballad meter.

What? A girl can't change her hair style? Men!

Quote by #1 synth
do you want me to actually critique this though?
If you have to ask, no. If you thought it would benefit from a crit you probably would have already. I'll look up "ballad meter" and see if I can figure out how to write something with that. But I doubt I'll go for suBtle. Thanks for the comments.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
I like it a lot, i don't see the darkness as a downside like some others did. In the fifth stanza, would it sound better as "the exit door"? Just a thought i had, I don't know what you think. I love the last stanza, its a great way to wrap it up with that turn on it.

could you crit mine?
It's "tears of gold"
#10
sounds more like a poem than a song? but thats probably just because i havent heard it

otherwise though, nice choice of rhyming words, although every single line in the song reflects it's meaning, and to me, thats not a very good thing, there should be some lines in the song where the relevance to the meaning isn't very clear, but that's only me right?
otherwise though, pretty nice
#11
evil shadows
thoughts of death
words of venom
stain my breath

interesting.. evil shadows is a bit of a dry connection to make. i think you can do better. so does thoughts of death. i like stain my breath.

i pause to warn
all who read
the darkness finds
a way to breed

lol cool idea i like the last two lines

it burrows through
souls of men
and brings them to
a bitter end

mm not much to say

so run and hide
from shadows cast
too late you fool
the moment's passed.

mm not a big fan of this i feel you could do with out

you'll die like he
who came before
while searching for
an exit door.

mm dotn like this seems like another filler

his thoughts were ripped
like insect legs
and to this day
he still begs

better

but mercy is not
found within
the darkness shows
its evil grin

doesnt make sense your forcing the flow and it doenst make sence

you wonder why
these words i've spread
of evil spawned
within my head

the reason is
so plain to see
the dead just crave
some company

lol intresting ending

overall not bad. you stuck to a hard rhyme scheme. and it is very.. constricting.. but not bad.. a lot of stanza's i felt were.... kind of weak. and you have very shallow idea's and you wernt able to really.. follow through completly with many of the idea's because you kept hte stanza's so short.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#12
Thanks, me<-needs help.

I wrote this more as a joke than anything, when Dylan said my last one "seemed to be screaming of wannabe Emily Dickinson with less spiders, death, and incurable posthumous depression that will forever haunt popular culture." I remember reading something by Dickinson in elementary school, but I really can't recall what it was like.

So I decided to write something with death and an insect reference. Just role playing and having a bit of fun with it.

It meanders a bit because of the way I wrote it. I only knew I wanted it to be ominous. I wrote the first line, then just allowed it to point me toward the next word to rhyme around or the direction the thought would take. Somewhere around the middle, I realized I wanted to turn this back on myself.

At some point I suppose I should read Emily and see what Dylan was referring to. Even being called a wannabe to a famous author is actually a compliment to me.

Or maybe I'll look up ballad rhythm and see if I can do anything with that, first.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#13
haha i see. yea i've done that. written some very messed up things for fun. lol well good luck on that
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#14
wow i didn't think that you'd really do it, lol.

anyway, i thought that it was good. and don't take this in an offensive way; but i'm sure that if you did do something wrong here, you're more than intelligent enough to assess it.

btw, thank you for the comment on my piece. i answered your question.
#15
I like it. Could use some work, but I like it nonetheless. Good job, keep it up.
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#16
evil shadows
thoughts of death
words of venom
stain my breath

^In love with this stanza. It's got great rythym and rhyme and good imagery.

i pause to warn
all who read
the darkness finds
a way to breed

^This lines a little more confusing, the last line has one more syllable than the pattern so far, throws off your rythym a smidge.

it burrows through
souls of men
and brings them to
a bitter end

so run and hide
from shadows cast
too late you fool
the moment's passed.

^Nice change in tone a little, went from your experience and warning to in-the-moment

you'll die like he
who came before
while searching for
an exit door.

his thoughts were ripped
like insect legs
and to this day
he still begs

^I agree with the other guy, personally i think still he begs would sound better, but it's your preference. I think it would just flow a little better.

but mercy is not
found within
the darkness shows
its evil grin

^Don't like the first line, throws off your rythym for the entire poem. maybe "mercy's not?"

you wonder why
these words i've spread
of evil spawned
within my head

the reason is
so plain to see
the dead just crave
some company

^Love the ending, wicked sweet twist.

Overall I like the tone and I enjoyed it alot. Mind looking at mine? It's, "For You, My 'Love'."
#17
wow now i really wonder what makes you describe another lyrics as same old boring or not unique .. to start off i must say i really like the buildup of this lyric , it's very chronological and the lyrics itself are quite cohesive , but when it comes to the achievement this is kind of weak I think.
First of all your using the same stanza scheme throughout the whole lyric, which makes it sound quite repetive. Also the rhymes you use are sometimes very hard-going (men - end for example) .. if ou stick to a fix rhyme scheme like you do in my opinion it's very important to takte the time to find some really fitting words for the stanzas and not rhyes as these. I would rewrite this lyrics form the top with a different lenght of the lines which could make it sound much more expressive as I think this is maybe good to read but no way to be emotional , just seems likes not fitting to the topic to me..

So far it's just my opinion excuse my English I'm from Germany plz

Btw, thanks for your crit on my lyrics , i fell like you're on the right way with what you said But I just didn't care about the topic that much as i only tried to improve my skills in writing by practising, just picking one random topic ... ( you didn't even look at those things I guess) ... but I'll try to write some lyrics with a better topic right now

Greymane
#20
Quote by Greymane
Btw, thanks for your crit on my lyrics , i fell like you're on the right way with what you said But I just didn't care about the topic that much as i only tried to improve my skills in writing by practising, just picking one random topic ... ( you didn't even look at those things I guess) ... but I'll try to write some lyrics with a better topic right now
I tried to look at the writing itself, but the thoughts were all so common and cliche in that sort of subject that it really wouldn't have accomplished anything. Neither of us are skilled enough to do anything interesting with that. I hope your next one will work better.

Quote by Greymane
First of all your using the same stanza scheme throughout the whole lyric, which makes it sound quite repetive. Also the rhymes you use are sometimes very hard-going (men - end for example) .. if ou stick to a fix rhyme scheme like you do in my opinion it's very important to takte the time to find some really fitting words for the stanzas and not rhyes as these. I would rewrite this lyrics form the top with a different lenght of the lines which could make it sound much more expressive as I think this is maybe good to read but no way to be emotional , just seems likes not fitting to the topic to me..

So far it's just my opinion excuse my English I'm from Germany plz
No problem with the language.
The fixed scheme for rhyme is crucial to this piece.
As is the rhythm.
The repetitive nature sets the tone.


nugznbudz, you and rhcp3412 both seemed to feel strongly about the word order in that line.
I changed it. I also found your eye for rhythm to be helpful in the 7th stanza.

About the rhythym:
I added one word, and moved another to make the pattern more obvious.
Think of this in a similar voice as a witches' chant.
Not exactly a song, not exactly a poem.

Only the intro has this rhythm:
1-2-3-4,
1-2-3.
1-2-3-4,
1-2-3.
with each line starting on the downbeat.

After that, each line has either:
1-2-3
or
4-1-2-3

So the beginning word of each line doesn't necessarily come on the downbeat.

I suppose i could have written it out
with the words on the 4th beat printed on the line before.
But I felt it would be unpleasant to the eye when reading.


Thank you all, for your comments. I had a lot of fun while writing it.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#21
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
I tried to look at the writing itself, but the thoughts were all so common and cliche in that sort of subject that it really wouldn't have accomplished anything. Neither of us are skilled enough to do anything interesting with that. I hope your next one will work better.




I also understand your rhytm now the explanation is just simple i didn'T find that myself ... and i like the changes it really fits the poem..

I think you're wuite talented in writing and i would feel honored if you could take a look on my new lyric your critic for the last one was very helpful

It name is Before the Storm

Greymane
#22
sorry man i was dissapointed, the title only embrraced the repetitveness of every single poem like this. all about venom and darkness. but this was a little mor einteresting than most.
crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=882738
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Stripped down, we want you dead
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#23
his thoughts were ripped
like insect legs
and to this day
still he begs.

For this stanza ^^ it might just be me, but I feel like the last line two lines don't sound good. I can't tell if it's the rhythm or the words themselves.

I'll keep looking at it and elaborate further.


EDIT: Ok, I still don't know why I didn't like it but I think this sounds better (not that I am implying it is better. I just like the sound of it for some reason)

his thoughts were ripped
much like his greed(s) [or "needs"?]
but still today
its he who pleads

Take it or leave it or build off it . Either way, awesome piece!
Last edited by O-52-A-50-R at Jun 11, 2008,
#24
^

Can't use it, my the lines are 3 or 4 syllables.
More than that and it loses the characteristic feel of an incantation.

But thanks, I appreciate the effort. I owe you one.


Please NO MORE REPLIES. This is old and should not have been bumped.


thank you, and goodnight.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.