#1
"I do what I want"
I murmered as I threw in a dip,
Citrus flavored skoal.
I used to think it was gross too,
until I realized it replicated her taste perfectly.
I would take up smoking too,
if it would replicate her smell.

Rape is payback for love,
In love the woman fucks the man,
In rape the man fucks the woman.

"Why do you do this shit?"
Damn, I wish I could answer that question.

When me and God meet it will be a glorious day,
two middle fingers high in the air,
He'll hit me with lightning,
and I'll spit in his eye.
Last edited by bluesybilly at Jun 4, 2008,
#2
I liked the last verse especially, I think the bit about rape could do with a rewording. It doesn't seem to fit too well... Just my thoughts.
Inhuman evil take down!
#3
Their both the same thing,

should be they're.

i loved the first stanza. especially the 4th line, because my exact thoughts as i was reading the beginning were, "sick, that's gross." it brought me into the piece more and made it more identifiable.

my only beef with this was the first 2 lines of the 3rd stanza. i kept waiting for an explanation of who "he" was and what "shit" he was referring to, but it never came.

all in all, though, i liked this. that's all i got for now.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#5
i enjoyed it...quite nice took me a bit to understand the whole piece but over all very well written...
GRUNDY0!

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#6
Quote by bluesybilly
"I do what I want"
I murmered as I threw in a dip,
Citrus flavored skoal.
I used to think it was gross too,
until I realized it replicated her taste perfectly.
I would take up smoking too,
if it would replicate her smell.

This was quite a good intro. Seems like you are really finding a voice in your writing. You've incorporated the reader, drawn us in.. and still managed to show a very solid and tangible character. So few lines, and such a huge picture of who the character is... we know he misses a her, he is rebellious but conciencious of his rebellion, and that he has stepped out of his comfort zone... good work.

Rape is payback for love,
Their both the same thing,
In love the woman fuc ks the man,
In rape the man fuc ks the woman.

Meh, this was another instance where I feel the piece got the better of you. Neat idea, but it didn't seem controlled enough. There isn't emotion here, there isn't supposed to be, which means that it needs to feel controlled and purposeful... instead it feels forced. The second line was horrible.... I think that is what really ruined it for me. Let the idea carry itself, don't write a segway for it... you aren't a comedian, and it really just kills the impact.


"Why do you do this shit?"
Obviously he wasn't listening to me before,
oh well,
noone really does,
and when they do its usually,
a waste of their precious time.

Here is where I lost interest in the piece. This dropped into a terribly angsty rut. Just drop this and add a line to the next one to make the transfer. Just take the first line of this and tack it on to the below and drop the rest. It reads like an 8th grade poem about how puberty sucks because of zits and a girlfriend of 3 days just left.


When me and God meet it will be a glorious day,
two middle fingers high in the air,
He'll hit me with lightning,
and I'll spit in his eye.

Breathtaking. Anger, sarcasm, cynicism and a controlled tone.


If you are around and get a chance, daffodils could use a bump and comments. If not, cool.