#1
Version 1:

Tears are running down, running down your cheeks.
Your drenched in apathy, from your head to your feet.
You are the bluest star, plucked from the night's sky.
Will you love me, till the day I die?
You are my fallen angel, sent from above.
I truly don't deserve her...

The skies melt upon themselves; their anger,
a violent torrent of crimson.
This cataclysm of grace, left for us to wonder?
The sky stolen by the night; stars kiss the earth,
a milky twilight.
This elegant display of their authority;
Angels tears torn asunder

Version 2:

Tears are running down, running down your cheeks.
Your drenched in apathy, from your head to your feet.
You are the bluest star, plucked from the night's sky.
Will you love me, till the day I die?

The skies melt upon themselves; their anger,
a violent torrent of crimson.
This cataclysm of grace, left for us to wonder?
The sky stolen by the night; stars kiss the earth,
a milky twilight.
This elegant display of their authority;
Angels tears torn asunder

Originally written as a poem. I butchered it into a song. Old stuff. Thought I would post.

C4C
#2
Tears are running down, running down your cheeks.
The repetition of running down kills this before it starts.
Perhaps have the tears emerge or erupt or burst forth, then run down her cheeks.

Your drenched in apathy, from your head to your feet. *You're
Look up the definition of apathy and decide if you still want to use it
for someone soaked in tears.

You are the bluest star, plucked from the night's sky.
Will you love me, till the day I die?
The last line sounds selfish and needy.
Maybe turn it around and make it about her?


The skies melt upon themselves; their anger,
a violent torrent of crimson.
This cataclysm of grace, left for us to wonder?
I suppose you could juxtapose a word that suggests a momentous and violent violent event with grace, but it feels more like a poor choice of words than a clever disparity.
The sky stolen by the night; stars kiss the earth,
a milky twilight.
This elegant display of their authority;
Angels tears torn asunder


mostly a good read.
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#3
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
Tears are running down, running down your cheeks.
The repetition of running down kills this before it starts.
Perhaps have the tears emerge or erupt or burst forth, then run down her cheeks.

Your drenched in apathy, from your head to your feet. *You're
Look up the definition of apathy and decide if you still want to use it
for someone soaked in tears.

You are the bluest star, plucked from the night's sky.
Will you love me, till the day I die?
The last line sounds selfish and needy.
Maybe turn it around and make it about her?


The skies melt upon themselves; their anger,
a violent torrent of crimson.
This cataclysm of grace, left for us to wonder?
I suppose you could juxtapose a word that suggests a momentous and violent violent event with grace, but it feels more like a poor choice of words than a clever disparity.
The sky stolen by the night; stars kiss the earth,
a milky twilight.
This elegant display of their authority;
Angels tears torn asunder


mostly a good read.


Thanks for the constructive criticism and honesty. Your obviously far more intelligent than I. I will make changes.
#4
Quote by CokeRox
Version 1:

Tears are running down, running down your cheeks.
Your drenched in apathy, from your head to your feet.
This rhyme seems a little forced.
You are the bluest star, plucked from the night's sky.
Will you love me, till the day I die?
I don't care for this second line; rather cliche.
You are my fallen angel, sent from above.
I truly don't deserve her...
I like this. It breaks the rhyme scheme but the last line is cool.

The skies melt upon themselves; their anger,
a violent torrent of crimson.
This cataclysm of grace, left for us to wonder?
The sky stolen by the night; stars kiss the earth,
a milky twilight.
This elegant display of their authority;
Angels tears torn asunder


The second verse seems like you're forcing longer words in to your piece..

Overall, not a bad piece.
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