#1
C4C.

Vesuvius
Cardboard shacks,
Red river rafts,
Winter chills have passed
It's a warm, warm day
in Pompeii,
And I'll still kiss
Your cinder lips
When everything we know
Has turned to ash.
#2
Thats pretty damn cool. I didn't like the cardboard shacks line though, its pretty anachronistic considering you're talking about Pompeii. The cinder lips line was one that stuck out for me as particularly good. Maybe expand it? A violent, chaotic scene would be cool. I also like how it almost sounds like you're rhyming with the last line because of the "passed" in the third, a subtle technique well employed.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein
#3
Love it. Better than my ****. I write too many songs though. I need to get back into poetry. Good stuff!
#5
Yeah, it's Nick. Thanks Jamie.

I thought about expanding it but I like the idea of making a sketch and letting the reader fill it in, and if anyone wants a return crit leave me a link and I'll get to it as soon as I can.
#6
I always love when you post something. I like your style and this one was pretty solid.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me