#1
a sound of departure; volume 2.


"A Colder Revelation"


My mind rattled to drone, as she
whispered some kind of galvanic
skin effect all over my organic
fabric.

I was a light bulb that only she
could turn on, and my lifespan
turned out to be as systematic
as the package I came in said it
would be.


Beside of the stand-alone gimmicks
I perfected;
under the lighting of God, where I
connected;
a similar resemblance of the soil
I injested;
I'm not even a metaphor now;
a generic adjective.

I consider the sound of departure
as it passes;
it's grounded the flight of my thoughts
and my balance.
As I'm waiting for the waves of solitude
to crash;
I cling to cornerstoned happiness
that's stuck in the past.


I continued my journey, and tossed
our "_____" to the sidewalk
like confetti, flower-girl style
at a wedding for the deceased.



2nd of a 3-Part series.

Read part 1 here: asd; volume 1.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 12, 2008,
#2
I thought the first two verses were weak.

The other three show your usual feeling for flow. I loved them.
#5
thanks Joris.

Quote by folotheendisher
pretty cool man crit mine


so, what, do you want me to just echo on yours what you've said on mine? cause that's not a crit. it's a bump, but not a crit...
#6
My mind rattled drone as she
whispered (some kind of galvanic
skin effect over my organic fabric.)

I was a light bulb that only she
could turn on as my lifespan
(like the systematic as the package
I came in said it would be.)

I made some small edits here, I thought these two needed rewriting slightly. This is how I would, but I'm sure you can do something more relevant to your style. Give it a shot on a clear mind

I did like the use of 'adjective' in the third stanza, and the fourth one wasn't as interesting as the repetition was slightly annoying. It's a good poem, just maybe needs some rewording? The content is good, I just didn't like the use of breaks and such in the first two stanzas and the structure in the fourth.

Overall, it's a good piece. Hope it helps

Crit for crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=858749
#7
I didn't like the opening quote of the last and I didn't here.

The rest was just quite an excellent read.

Bar the blanks, though.

You have a great knack for flow. Make you sure you always utilise that skill in every piece you write.
#8
much appreciated Craigo and Jamie.

I'll crit yours as soon as the opportunity presents itself Craigo, thank you for the in-depth.

I'm not sure if you have one out right now Jamie; I'll look, but just let me know.
#9
I'll mimic the comments on your flow; it's quick, just technical enough for the tongue and mind, and most of the time, it works.

The funny thing is that the first stanza immediately spoke satirically to me (but of what?), and as I read on, I realized it was of itself, of the latter portion, of the first poem.

Speaking aloud "I consider the sound of departure as it passes..." and the rest of the stanza, I can imagine a line like that having just been born, and the wry smile the author had for the next few minutes as we walks about with his pen in hand, waiting for the next moment of euphoria where words come together like they should, in a form you won't forget - until next time.
#11
no prob Zach.

Spike? Thank you very much. i think that's the best crit i've ever received, and it won't go forgotten.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 13, 2008,
#12
I continued my journey, and tossed
our "_____" to the sidewalk
like confetti, flower-girl style
at a wedding for the deceased.


i really really like this stanza
im sure it will be better after you fill in that blank
#13
I really don't quite understand what's going on with the quotes.
Are they pieces from previous works?
The voice of someone other than the "narrator"?

At any rate, the title certainly fits. It has a cold, detached mood. Somewhat analytical.
Almost like a romantic has just found himself in the resignation of a bleak existentialist moment.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#14
well you're basically right.

it's about the separation of two entities that love each other desparately(the quotes are from both perspectives); it doesn't neccessarily have to be a "girl-boy" relationship.

"She" is just a title that the writer assumes, and the blanks are there for the reader to fill in for themselves.