#1
Crit for crit as usual. I don't need to talk any more on this, it's rather self evident. This is my first write up, I haven't edited it at all.


A Night Out in Weston's Town Centre
Jade dug her pockets for a fiver.
Because she's moral like that.

Without reluctance, she unravelled
the note and handed it to her friend.
It's only fair enough, Jess hadn't had
a pint for at least a month and
was working hard doing nothing
in particular.

After a shot too many,
Jade walked home
with a handsome
young lad she had met.

God knows where her friend was.

It was bitter and cold;
if this new lad didn't
lend his coat it'd be a miracle
if she felt anything at all.
This guy seemed
nice enough, 'More caring
than most...'

A dirt ridden beard
moved like creeping death.

'Any coopers you could
spare please?'

He got a kick from the
handsome young man.

Jade laughed.
Last edited by Craigo at May 12, 2008,
#2
Very nice! great piece of poetry and could be lengthened a bit to be made into a song. (it feels too short, even though I kinna sang thru it slow)
#3
I'm not one for too much name-dropping in pieces, but I can let it go...

Eh, the ending sentiment isn't neccessarily the wittiest of endings. It's just - it's a piece you will look back on in due course and will be able to say "aha. I have improved since this piece of writing".

That's not too say it's terrible - it just feels like a writer going through the motions. Opening the gate to wonderland.
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
I'm not one for too much name-dropping in pieces, but I can let it go...

Eh, the ending sentiment isn't neccessarily the wittiest of endings. It's just - it's a piece you will look back on in due course and will be able to say "aha. I have improved since this piece of writing".

That's not too say it's terrible - it just feels like a writer going through the motions. Opening the gate to wonderland.

Bingo.

I can see some improvements to be made already, I want more opinions before I carry on. The name dropping was only added in for the story esque feel.

Cheers for the comment!
#5
I thought the name dropping was ok, made it more personal. The ending kinda leaves you hanging, but I don't think it's as powerful of a statement as could be there.
Overall a great piece of poetry/a little story. It worked nicely.

Kudos.
#6
i feel it wraps up nicely but it could be longer
the wording in the 5th paragraph seems a little odd
kind of confusing
i like this though for some reason it gives me a old vibe
like its talking about a different era
maybe its the wording or the story i don't know
but i like the feeling alot
#7
i believe that it's good for what it is.
the problem is; i see it as more of an exerpt from something way bigger.
something with so much more depth than what this is actually trying to carry by itself - make sense?
so all in all, the reader is left with feeling kinda like they've been "used?" like they took their time to read to the end, only to be left wanting more. - sorry to make this all sound so negative, it's not meant in that way at all.

i might add that this was very well written, though. you have a very "precise" method; which is a good thing.

keep it up, i'd like to see more from you.

EDIT: btw, thank you very much for the comment on my piece. it means alot.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 13, 2008,
#8
weston supermare?!?!
I stopped off there on tour on my day offf
It was pretty fun
got stuck in the sinking mud though...up to my thighs haha