#1
don't pity the man who
walks outside every day
in shorts and t-shirt,
knows about the rain
but wants the sympathy.

he'll end up in love,
like how a sizzling mid-morning
just woken up
yawning
saliva-teasing, house-filling smell
of a cooked breakfast

makes you wretch.


C4C. I know I owe some, especially Joris In due course.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 12, 2008,
#3
I, on the other hand, didn't like the punchy read. Felt to broken to me. It took me 3 attempts at reading the transfer from t-shirt to the rain thing... it wouldn't connect in my brain without some sort of conjunction. I hated the jump from half ideas to full description. It was like completely changing the style and feel of the piece, without breaking it up. If you broke into stanzas, it would be more forgivable. Bleh, this just seemed a bit unrelatable to me Jamie, which is normally what really holds your pieces together for me... I can live them. This, though, was just to broken... it felt like (god this is going to sound harsh, I don't mean it to be.... sorry in advance) it felt like a baby talks. He has the basic ideas there, but doesn't tie them together like, "Mommie, drink." I can tell that he means, "Mom, I want a drink" but it still annoys me. I seriously finished reading this and thought, damn I have a headache now... because I spent so much energy trying to connect things together and didn't just get to enjoy what was there. The ideas were sound, they really were. I liked what you were trying to do, just felt like the style bent the piece out of being a perfect snippet.

I'm sorry for being such an asshole, feel free to disregard this if you want too, just telling you how I felt coming out.


If you would like to exchange asshole comment for asshole comment, I'd love your opinion on Daffodils. Sorry again if I came off as an ass.
#4
Well, the brokeness (I guess the partial ellipses) is there to convey the "Note" of the title. To give it a little context, it's part of a thing on notes of characters. I gave it a decent beat to make it more exciting than your usual oh-it's-in-note-form style.

Stop being so defensive about your critiques.

Thanks you both. Have split into stanzas, probably reads a bit better.
#5
Quote by Jammydude44
Well, the brokeness (I guess the partial ellipses) is there to convey the "Note" of the title. To give it a little context, it's part of a thing on notes of characters. I gave it a decent beat to make it more exciting than your usual oh-it's-in-note-form style.

Stop being so defensive about your critiques.

Thanks you both. Have split into stanzas, probably reads a bit better.

A lot actually.

I now have nothing to complain about.
#6
I don't like the tone, it lacks the conversational tone, and is more of a speaker on a podium tone. It's about the only thing I don't like, everything else comes off as a bit bland but it has a point and manages to convey it without sounding too vague.

Overall, good but it isn't very memorable.
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#7
Jamie, the first half of this has a reasonable flow. The extended details aren't that disruptive.
But from "like how" through the end, it feels awkward.
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#8
the first stanza doesn't work, the second stanza does. the problem in the first is the connection between "t-shirt" and "knows"... the comma isn't working atall and it just feels quite annoying to read.

the second stanza did work for what it was.
#9
Alex - that second half was a seperate piece for a while, but I thought it'd get slated by itself on here so I made the mistake of trying to incorporate it into another piece.

I probably won't really keep this. I should've concentrated on makung the second half it's own piece, than trying to write something to incorporate it. I much prefer the second half myself.

Matt - thankyou for getting back.

SYK - Like I said, I prefer my second half, manily for the flow and the idea of it. But each to his own

Thanks for the comments. I'd love to let this drop now.
#10
thank you for the comment on my piece, it means alot.

actually i liked the first stanza a ton better than the second. nothing in particular, just didn't like the way it read. guess i'm the odd one out, lol.

not a bad read. it could use some pizzaz, though, know what i mean? you know what i mean.
#12
I liked it alot. It puts a smile on my face i don't know why . I liked the vibe of it . I have read better from you but it was a nice read
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#13
i really liked this, jamie. the second stanza i was expecting to go another way, and was soooo glad you ended it the way you did. it made the cynic in me smile. and that's pretty hard to do...
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#14
don't pity the man who
walks outside every day
in shorts and t-shirt,
knows about the rain
but wants the sympathy.
I actually preferred this stanza. It had more substance than the other and was actually very interesting to read and take my own meaning out of it, especially the last two lines. I think it can be expanded, which related to it being punchy, I suppose.

he'll end up in love,
This felt completely disjointed conceptually from the rest of the stanza and I think you need to take this like and make it a whole middle stanza that you are missing, in my opinion. It just feels like this line cries out to say more than it does.
like how a sizzling mid-morning
just woken up
yawning
saliva-teasing, house-filling smell
of a cooked breakfast

makes you wretch.
This whole sentence is just the one sentence, which is exactly why it doesn't work for me. It's clumsy, the ideas are lost between the lines and the thread of thought is trampled by the mess. Again, I don't know if I agree with the punchy issue, but I definitely think you need to clean up this bit. The idea behind it is lovely and clever, but I think you need to work on it more because it took me about 3 reads to get it right and understand what you were going for.

I really liked it, Jamie. I think you have something really great here and you just need to iron out the wrinkles.
This is not a pipe