#1
This is a song I wrote about a man that is wounded in battle. He flees the scene of battle to look for help, and he stumbles upon a house. He attempts to seek help within the house, but ends up being taken in by a psychopath. This is told by the psycho's point of view. Hope you enjoy it

The Wrong Home
Metal
(130-140 bpm)

Verse 1

Come, inside, my fire
You servant
Tear, your thoughts, apart
With pleasure
Rule, your life, easy
You loser

Good for nothing

Speak, when, I say
Imbecile
Bow, to me, quickly
Or suffer
Obey, my words, of might
Vagabond

Good for nothing

Transition

Broke through my door helplessly
I take you in
Covered in blood, hate and spit
I heal your skin
Mending your past, of its pain
I heal your brain
Looking day and night, for a sign
So I can rule your life

You have no choice

Your debt to me, your life for me
Argue not, the deal is set
'Tis in my power to choose your sin
Bounded by my rules, you live

You have no choice

Chorus

Welcome to my world of fire
Hope burns in flame
And minions feed on hate
Crawling slowly amongst the weary
Shameful as it is
It makes me grin
Fate-less mortal, life is ending
Hand me your hate
And strengthen my will
To keep on hating your kind forever
It feels like home
It feels like home

Verse 2

Your screams, bring, me pleasure
So soothing
Struggle, with, my ropes
My servant
Goosebumps, cover, my skin
So quickly

Good for nothing

Stained, carpet, beneath
So Fitting
Your movements, begin, to seize
Finally
Your time, has come, swiftly
My puppet

Good for nothing

Transition into chorus

Pre-Solo

The transformation has begun
The ritual, once more, will soon take you back
To the place where I'd kill to be
The place, where I've sent your kind, to please his will

Clean part

The backyard is calling for one more soul
To enter its deep dark
Brimstone doors, Restless soul, you are home

I did my deed, I helped you die
Your dreams came true, my friend
Lay inside, heavens bed, its right here

There's no one else that loves you more
I made you my own, you wanted it
Now sleep, let the air, help you rise

The clouds are getting closer as I speak
Lucky you are to be so close
To a place, where angels, are your own

I now let you travel on
Waiting for the time I join
I will, restlessly, wait for it

But worry not, good friend of mine
Your friends are waiting for you
Side by side, they are here, soothing you

It's funny, isn't it, my fellow brother
That all these bodies share the fate
That you faced, once you crossed, my door step

But worry not, good soldier, I won't stop
Fulfilling my mission I am
To help you join, your winged brothers, in the sky

And finally, I will become one of your own
Sending all of you, my lovely dolls
Past the sky, to the one, within my head
#2
The verses are perfect. I love the structure, the way the words are placed in short lines. Very fiitting for a metal song.
The chorus on the other hand, has a start that really doesn't stand out. The use of the word fire is placed in a context that is too commonly found in metal lyrics. It gradually improves though, up to a fulfilling climax with the repeated "It feels like home"
The end part is very good but reading it makes it seem a little too long, but I wont really know until I hear the song.
So yeah, great job.


Crit my purple one?
#3
Quote by xxemo_kittyxx
The verses are perfect. I love the structure, the way the words are placed in short lines. Very fiitting for a metal song.
The chorus on the other hand, has a start that really doesn't stand out. The use of the word fire is placed in a context that is too commonly found in metal lyrics. It gradually improves though, up to a fulfilling climax with the repeated "It feels like home"
The end part is very good but reading it makes it seem a little too long, but I wont really know until I hear the song.
So yeah, great job.


Crit my purple one?


Thanks for all your advice. Glad you enjoyed the read