#1
For you, my “Love”

We said we wouldn’t move too fast,
But then I fell in love with you.
Now look back at our past,
That’s obviously not true.
I’ve given you all I have to give,
My trust, my love my seed.
And now you’ve stabbed me in the back,
And left me there to bleed.
Don’t say it’s me that’s come between us,
It’s your lying and your theft.
So look back and read this note again
When you wonder why I left.
I’m sick of your drama bull-****
And everything you start.
But most of all I hate the games
You’re playing with my heart..


My bad i had this in another thread with two other poems. Didn't know about the rules so I'm posting this one for critique, i guess? hope i'm not breaking another rule?
#4
Quote by Nielsyboy
your seed ... hahahah xD

i bet she was really gratefull with ur spermz


Lmao
#5
Quote by jaketerminate
You mind if i use some of it?



nah bro be my guest but if it's on somethin important give credit where credit is due ya know?
#6
Quote by Nielsyboy
your seed ... hahahah xD

i bet she was really gratefull with ur spermz



lol you bet she was.
#7
For you, my “Love”
You're telegraphing the intent of the piece before you even start.
Are you sure you want to do that?


We said we wouldn’t move too fast,
But then I fell in love with you.
Now look back at our past,
That’s obviously not true.
The opening pair are bland but the next two are worse.
It's as if you're about to scold or assign blame
who want to get involved in that?
What's not true?
That you said you wouldn't move too fast?
That you fell in love with her?
Something not stated?

I’ve given you all I have to give,
My trust, my love my seed.
comma after love.
And now you’ve stabbed me in the back,
And left me there to bleed.
Not fond of this, but at least it's direct.
Maybe here instead of there?

Don’t say it’s me that’s come between us,
Logically this makes no sense.
How can one of the two come between the two.
I understand what you're on about.
But look for a better way to say it.

It’s your lying and your theft.
So look back and read this note again
filler.
When you wonder why I left.
I’m sick of your drama bull-****
I've grown tired would have more elegance than I'm sick.
drama, fine. bullshit, nah. Too much.

And everything you start.
But most of all I hate the games
You’re playing with my heart..


This reads like it was written for an audience of one.
Not her, yourself.
Anyone who received note like this wouldn't be second-guessing
herself for letting things go wrong.
She'd be thankful she was out of the situation.

Sorry if that seemed harsh, but that's my perception of it.
Thanks for doing mine.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
It'ss all good the harshness will help me produce a better piece next time
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
#9
For you, my “Love”

We said we wouldn’t move too fast,
But then I fell in love with you.
Now look back at our past,
That’s obviously not true.

Very nice flow

I’ve given you all I have to give,
My trust, my love my seed.
And now you’ve stabbed me in the back,
And left me there to bleed.

I really like the tail end of it, with you left me there to bleed, good emotion.

Don’t say it’s me that’s come between us,
It’s your lying and your theft.
So look back and read this note again
When you wonder why I left.

Idk it feels a bit weak, i would just pick worlds that flowed a bit more you know? the first 2 lines are fine, but the last 2 i would change.

I’m sick of your drama bull-****
And everything you start.
But most of all I hate the games
You’re playing with my heart..


Very nice ending, it sums it all up great.


over all man 8/10 good job!!
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#10
We said we wouldn’t move too fast,
But then I fell in love with you.

mm i'm really indifferent to this start. doesnt really pull me in.. kinda.. dull

Now look back at our past,
That’s obviously not true.

wait... it's untrue you didnt love her or that you guy's moved fast.? ambiguous

I’ve given you all I have to give,
My trust, my love my seed.

mmm seed? tahts... and intresting way to put it. lol the idea of giving ti all is also.. a litte cliche.

And now you’ve stabbed me in the back,
And left me there to bleed.

mm backstabbing.. i think we can say that.. better?

Don’t say it’s me that’s come between us,
It’s your lying and your theft.

quite plain. but nothing wrong with that.

So look back and read this note again
When you wonder why I left.
I’m sick of your drama bull-****
And everything you start.
But most of all I hate the games
You’re playing with my heart..

mm i feel like games of the heart are a bit cliche too. but thats fine. i think you could try to express it differently?

overall not bad. idea's were classic, but with using classics i think that you gottta bring something new to the table.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")