#1
Plan on revising this one, me thinks. Short, sweet, and came to me randomly. C4C chickadees.


Pendulate. Oscillate.
Become my bipolar baby.

Sensual and sexual to
raging, roaring menstrual.
From pissed to kissed and
all emotions in between.

But since Hammurabi spawned his code
and your swinging on my sanity:
I've never loved you,
I just needed to get laid.
#2
What the hell does a set of Babylonian laws have to do with not loving someone and only wanting to get laid?


That metaphor is very very obscure to me.


Overall the writing was quite bland Zach. You've done much better. The first line was really off. I've seen it before, I think I've done that synonym trick myself a few times. The second stanza still confuses me, I'm trying to see how it relates to Hammurabi or eye for an eye tooth for a tooth but I do not see it.


#4
the idea behind the piece was getting into a relationship, only to find out that the person is bipolar and the person ends up just ruining the relationship with being so back and forth... so to get back at the person, the 'I' does that... "if you are gonna mess with my sanity, I'll take away what's left of yours." type of thing.

Damn knowing what its supposed to say and not being able to see what it really says!
#5
I really like your rhyming through this piece. It has a great flow.

Also like how you made this piece swing from one direction to another just like a bipolar person.
How it moves from pendulating (?) to oscillating, from love to lust, it keeps swinging all throughout the piece. Well structured.

Its not exactly straightforward to get how you're trying to relate Hummurabi's code of law to this...
But as you explain, i get it that you're getting back at your girl here with the last 2 lines for all that she's done to you.
So she messed you up, she's gone from loving to raging and has been "swinging on your sanity", you've getting back at her by telling her you never loved and cared for her. All you were with her was for sex...

Aah well. I wouldn't say it was the most exciting poem to read from you (as you do write pretty well), but i do like the amount of thought and structure you give to this. It a very cliche theme. But its done in a pretty good way...


anyway, if you wish, you can check out mine. Its pretty crap to be honest but i should have a proper version of it sometime soon...
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=858850
#6
Even if I claimed to really get this, the swinging between two things was so obvious it killed it.

Subtltey is where it's at, baby.
#7
I liked it, short and sweet like you said
change "your swinging" to "you're swinging" - I do it all the time and I take Literature at -degree level haha.
I liked it's somewhat relaxed tone,
but it was still impressive enough to convey obviously deeply personal ideas.
Reminded me of something that would fit
Right into "a book of longing" by Leonard Cohen
(Thats a good thing)

it was a good, personal poem; that I probably do not understand fully, but get the overall sentiment; which due to its personal nature, is no doubt all I am supposed to get

james
#8
I would also like to add that I am willing to be "Hammurabi" has seen an increase of 500% of Wikipedia seaches
#9
....well, once again, i'll be the odd one out and say that i liked it.

i will say, though, that i think it may be a bit too "technical" to have a wider approach on audience acceptablity? not the poem itself, or structure, or blah blah blah.... but the content. i don't think joe schmoe's gonna take a look at this and be like "yeah, i can relate to that." i know this is gonna blow up in my face if you crit volume 2, lol. it's a bit technical too; i guess it's a curse among the S & L minds.

anyway, i'm running off of 2 hours of sleep right now at work, so i don't know if this was helpful or not. sorry if not.
i think i need sleep, lol.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 14, 2008,
#10
I didn't really like this peace. The metaphor is weak. I didn't like much of the language either. It seemed too much like throwing in a list of big words than rather selecting each word to mean a purpose. You have too many words with alot of meaning. When you do that, they kind of subtract from each other and don't mean as much. I have read much worse though so it wasn't that terrible.

If you wouldn't mind looking at mine, it's, "For You, My 'Love."


Afterthought: Reading through it again, I realized the problem for me. You have alot of more elegant words and good words that flow, then ending the piece with the word "laid," just subtracts from everything you've already done.
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
Last edited by nugznbudz at May 14, 2008,
#12
I'm not saying I can't relate, I've definately been there my fare share.
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink