#1
Quote by False Deity
It’s always the case of,
Sending and not receive,
I tried so hard to believe,
But the world doesn’t conspire,
It’s by luck I respire,
A series of mutations,
Wake up and release us from our fixations,
The line is dead, no one’s listening,

I dream my dreams without,
A fear that someone is watching,
I can think my thoughts,
Without someone to censor me,
Don’t ask me what I believe in,
Everything except myself,
“Apologise or feel my wrath”,
You weren’t the first, you weren’t the last,

Crit for Crit, as ever,
#2
That last line gave me chills.

Verrry Nice
Rag Mop Do Do Duh DoDo Dedo Do!!!!!

R_A_G_G_M_O_P_P

RAGMOP
#3
Nice work. Very creepy throughout, and I'm going to assume that's what you were going for. It kind of feels like it cuts off at the end, however. You might have meant it to be that way with the whole "you weren't the last" thing, but it still feels abrupt.

Please read my piece, Infected, and leave some crit or just say what you think about it.
#4
So i get a feeling this is about evolution and religion and believing in it and such...
It has sorta a very rebellious feel to it too.
Something like you have broken out of the whole religion barrier and now you can
"dream my dreams without,
A fear that someone is watching,
I can think my thoughts,
Without someone to censor me,"

But then this is not gonna end.
People are gonna keep being "fixated" by fear "Apologise or feel my wrath". A sorta cliche often heard around in the church and religious texts.
And this is going to continue "You weren’t the first, you weren’t the last,"
Like the way you even ended it on a comma rather than a full stop. Sorta leaving it unfinished, incomplete. Like it has no end. It is supposed to continue on and probably will continue on. It doesn't end just there.

Well written. Tbh i don't exactly go by what you're conveying in your piece. But as a writers point of you, i'll have to say its pretty well written. It has a good flow and the way you structured it is really good. They way every sentence ends in a "," and so does the last line. Its something that doesn't have an end. Good stuff. Despite the difference in opinions, i quite like it.


And if you wish, you can take a look at something i wrote. Tbh its pretty crap and i should have a better version of it up sometime soon... but till en its at: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=858850
#5
Quote by -Blue-
Nice work. Very creepy throughout, and I'm going to assume that's what you were going for. It kind of feels like it cuts off at the end, however. You might have meant it to be that way with the whole "you weren't the last" thing, but it still feels abrupt.
Thanks. Yeah, the creepiness stems from it being inspired by religion
and George Orwell's 1984.

Quote by af_the_fragile
So i get a feeling this is about evolution and religion and believing in it and such...
It has sorta a very rebellious feel to it too.
Something like you have broken out of the whole religion barrier and now you can
"dream my dreams without,
A fear that someone is watching,
I can think my thoughts,
Without someone to censor me,"

But then this is not gonna end.
People are gonna keep being "fixated" by fear "Apologise or feel my wrath". A sorta cliche often heard around in the church and religious texts.
And this is going to continue "You weren’t the first, you weren’t the last,"
Like the way you even ended it on a comma rather than a full stop. Sorta leaving it unfinished, incomplete. Like it has no end. It is supposed to continue on and probably will continue on. It doesn't end just there.

Well written. Tbh i don't exactly go by what you're conveying in your piece. But as a writers point of you, i'll have to say its pretty well written. It has a good flow and the way you structured it is really good. They way every sentence ends in a "," and so does the last line. Its something that doesn't have an end. Good stuff. Despite the difference in opinions, i quite like it.

Thanks for crit. Yeah, I felt that leaving it end abruptly kinda suited the piece more. I was gonna make it into a fully sledged structured song, but I think it would suit a longer more progressive thematic piece possibly. An album closer as such. We'll see.

No disrespect meant to your religion or anyone's by this.