#1
Hello, this one I wrote around the chorus, basically 'you wouldn't stay with me'. W/ each verse, I came from the position of another perspective (3 in all). 1st, was that 'the' girl is too good for me, out of my league, above me, ect. 2nd, was a 'had the girl, lost the girl' sort. The 3rd was 'forgot the girl, i can't even see her face in my mind anymore' . I'm wondering if these perspectives came across in this piece. Leave a link and a crit for crit.

You Wouldn't Stay (With Me)

verse 1

I hear kindness
that I don’t seek
I hear voices
that don’t talk to me
i didn't know having such a good time
for me'd be such a novelty
your face is like the garden days
(and outside the sun it shines away(?))
I need you stabbed into my heart
inject in me ferociously


Chorus 1

but you wouldn't stay with me
you wouldn't stay
you wouldn't stay with me
you wouldn't stay
you're not smart enough to anyway


Verse 2

I took you up
and I made you mine
but real life was never
far behind
I’d look inside for something to give
all I found were ways to take my time
you always were one to graduate
a licentiate now and in your prime
and maybe I just didn’t appreciate
how every night you’d just blow my mind


Chorus 2

but you wouldn't stay with me
you wouldn't stay
you wouldn't stay with me
you wouldn't stay
but you never drove me crazy


Verse 3

now I try sometimes
maybe a little too quick a little too halfhearted
to give me a memory I can sink my jaws(teeth) in (sang faster)
and I sometimes
will give a useless energetic tint a few flashing moments
of a memory of you that I feel at home with (sang faster)
I don’t know
if you feel the same as me
high on hippy flips and vitamin C
but these days the picture of your face
it just snuck it’s way
out of my mind so easily


Chorus 3

and you wouldn't stay with me
you wouldn't stay
you wouldn't stay with me
you wouldn't stay

and you didn't stay with me
you didn't stay
you didn't stay with me
you didn't stay
'cause I already forgot your face
#2
its okay but no offense,i think the chorus isn't that great. it might be better if you changed it to like
u wouldnt stay with me
but that dont matter anymore
because now i see
that u were just a hor

and repeat that like twice or so. but the verses are good
#3
Quote by basslax14
its okay but no offense,i think the chorus isn't that great. it might be better if you changed it to like
u wouldnt stay with me
but that dont matter anymore
because now i see
that u were just a hor

and repeat that like twice or so. but the verses are good



yeah, uhm you probably really shouldn't listen to that guy.

I thought it was good, but it seems like the lines in each verse get longer and longer with each one. Minor nuance though.
#4

I thought it was good, but it seems like the lines in each verse get longer and longer with each one. Minor nuance though.


I was just thinking the same thing! .. in that , I think I should be a bit more concise in the second and esp 3rd verses, cut it down a bit.

btw the Chorus, - for all 4 you wouldn't stay 's, together, sung, they take up 32 beats total, 8 measures, where every beat is slightly shorter than a second.

thanks though