#1
Rain drips down slowly from the sky,
droplets landing on his cigarette.
“Stub it out, you’re quitting anyway.”
Haunting images, cloaked and deceiving
dart around his mind’s eye.
“I remember that face. I remember her eyes”
He scans further inside to find nothing, again.

The city cars are flying past

He has searched for targets so many times
He thought he’d found the bull’s eye.
But he lost it today, again.
Stuck between the line of 1 and 2.
None is better than the other and he can’t choose.

The city lights have faded past

He’s a marksman, he knows what he looks for.
He has no will to find out what he wants to shoot.
#2
i love this poem. The lines in italics are cool and dif. Everything seems to flow nicely and i love the opening imagery. this is one of the best poems i've read.
if you'd like to crit one of mine they are 'goodbye' and 'for you my "love".' thanks
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
#3
Definitely not your best.

What the hell is with that first line, man?

I'll be back, I can't be fucked right now.
#4
The first line or 2 could use a little work but other than that I like it a lot. The last two lines of the second "verse" are excellent as are the last two lines of the whole thing. Overall it's very good, i enjoyed reading it.


Love the Low end
#5
Joris took the words from me.

You're so much better than what feels like beginner poetry.

I mean really, you can do waaay better, and most of us, and you, know it.

I mean, sorry fot he harshness yadda yadda, but I know you'd rather be ****ed hard than not at all.

Soooo, keep this, laugh at it in a couple of years, make sure you get back to your usual standard next time.