#1
a sound of departure; voume 3.

"Redemption in the Midst."

I'm giving back to reason,
with benefits of doubt.
I'm dancing through our seasons,
praying for rain we've been without.
Because;
to be without completion
is to never know one's self.
Fear in reconnecting;
virgin feelings never felt.

Between my soul's submissions,
there's a comfort in my care.
My label stands,
but I'm not perfect;
reduce me to your stare.
Any answers I could pull from
this subjective tear;
I'd postulate for my creation;
I'd end all chance of repair.

You are the
secret of my inner thoughts;
my youth,
my un-exposed.
The diary of my emotion,
my other-side disclosed.
My addicting resolution,
of what I long to be.
My title in this human form;
the name that you perceive.

There's a place I'd like to meet you at sometime.
It's called: The Middle.


Read Pts. 1 & 2 here: Pt. 1, Pt.2
#2
very nice dude, i really liked the ryhming, and the use of metaphores. 8/10
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#3
**** me kent you write like no-one else on this site.

seriously, you are up there with the only other guy on this site who's flow, rhythm and rhyme I've loved (jay (pheobus), back in the day), it's just awesome and, well, inspring.

"praying for rain we've been without" was a bit icky.

I actually took something out of all of these. It's probably not what you intended but it's something. I didn't think I would afte reading the first. I still prefer your one-shot pieces though.

Just, never, ever lose your feel for writing, man. This really opened up my eyes to my own writing in a way.

So, yeah, kissass over.

gj
#5
thank you for the comments/compliments sirs. they won't go forgotten, i promise.
#6
a sound of departure; voume 3.

"Redemption in the Midst."

I'm giving back to reason,
with benefits of doubt.
I'm dancing through our seasons,
praying for rain we've been without.
Because;
to be without completion
is to never know one's self.
Fear in reconnecting;
virgin feelings never felt.

Your flow is impeccable. Love it. I don't completely understand the last couplet, though.. I have an idea, but it's somewhat muddled. A little clarification would be nice.

Between my soul's submissions,
there's a comfort in my care.
My label stands,
but I'm not perfect;
reduce me to your stare.
Any answers I could pull from
this subjective tear;
I'd postulate for my creation;
I'd end all chance of repair.

Really good. I feel like I have a clear understanding of this stanza. However, the flow of the second half kind of loses me. The last line flows especially strange. But still really cool.

You are the
secret of my inner thoughts;
my youth,
my un-exposed.
The diary of my emotion,
my other-side disclosed.
My addicting resolution,
of what I long to be.
My title in this human form;
the name that you perceive.

Such an awesome ending stanza! Wow, no criticism here. Soooo good.

Read Pts. 1 & 2 here: Pt. 1, Pt.2

I love it. It's great. I love the subject matter, and it's enhanced by your fluidity. Even though this was a total fan-boy crit, if you could hit up my new one (found in my sig), that'd be nice.
#7
Dear Kent,

fuck you for writing so well.

Sincerely,
Zach


In all seriousness though, this was a great read. Amazing flow in everyline except:

"I'd postulate for my creation;
I'd end all chance of repair."

That last line threw me off. I don't have much to add really. I thought I would given your "technical" warning. But I took something from it and enjoyed the read. Sorry for the cock-stroking.
Last edited by ZanasCross at May 14, 2008,
#9
ok allow me to step in line and kiss your ass for a minute?

Dear God of Poetry,

Enlighten us, share your secrets with us? We beg you?

Dude, if you don't mind me saying so, this poem was ****in rockin bro. I loved every second of it. Bravo.
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
#10

I didn't think it said very much. Where was the connection with the real world? This was clouds.




love is a dog from hell.



#11
i don't understand, i'd be more than happy to elaborate, but i'm not sure where you're lost at....
#12

It just struck me as being abstraction after abstraction with nothing tangible to link it together.




love is a dog from hell.



#13
I thought that this was the perfect ending for a good series. It didn't blow me away but I liked it... a lot. It fit.

I didn't like the rain line either to be honest

I don't think you are reading WeHaveSound's comments the way he meant them. I think he was just saying the piece wasn't entirely, to use his word, tangible (which I agree with to some extent). Not that that's a bad thing but that you could work on making it something we can picture as well as feel, if you know what I mean.

Cheers,
~Jimmy
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#14
hey, no, i completely understand. i deleted my previous comment; i think i OVERREACTED a tad bit inappropriately.

thank you for you're comment, Jimmy? is it? It means quite alot.

We Have Sound, basically this is the moment of clarity for the narrator. He realizes he's OK with being by himself, and as he's going through his closure, he's taking the time to relive feelings of the past.
#15
Quote by ottoavist
hey, no, i completely understand. i deleted my previous comment; i think i OVERREACTED a tad bit inappropriately.

thank you for you're comment, Jimmy? is it? It means quite alot.

We Have Sound, basically this is the moment of clarity for the narrator. He realizes he's OK with being by himself, and as he's going through his closure, he's taking the time to relive feelings of the past.



Doesn't he want a beer or something? Is he some kind of fucking nut?




love is a dog from hell.



#16
yep, he's a fucking nut.

i'm glad you interpreted it so well; i did write this piece just for you, ya know.
#17
i'm not sure i liked this as much as the other 2 parts. which i'm not sure i actually commented on. oh well...

that said, i really did like this. just, not as much. i already said that.

ok, i'll try to start making sense now... i didn't feel this as much as the other two. i don't want to say that its detached, because it's not, its just not yelling screaming fucking emotion. and i got that from the others. i think i just failed at making sense.

i'm hungover. thanks for the comment on mine.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#18
This was very different than the other 2 parts. Too different in my opinion, to be called a trio.

But as a single piece it was well written, didn't seem as though you forced the rhyming too much and I think your structure was strong.

I truly have nothing to add to this. Perhaps I'll tear up your next one, eh?

Good stuff.
This is not a pipe
#19
thank you Ray and Carmel. All words are appreciated.

Quote by carmel_l
Perhaps I'll tear up your next one, eh?

only if you dare......;]

btw Ray, it made perfect sense.
#20
I liked the other parts more compared to this one . Your flow was good and rhyme scheme didn't felt forced . Its a nice piece but I am not moved by the whole series like other posters.
It can be me though but i loved some lines especially:

Fear in reconnecting;
virgin feelings never felt.

What was your intent behind using quote tags? . It didn't provoke some sort of emotion in me. It came across as a way u used to stress a point .

Anyway I'll get to ur next one to return the favor .Thnx for your time on mine.

Hi
#21
hey man mind if i borrow the first 2 lines of this? they are amazing!
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#23
^Fred, thank you sir. you'd better post something soon, i'd really like to see what you're brewing at the moment.


Quote by folotheendisher
hey man mind if i borrow the first 2 lines of this? they are amazing!


hey friend, i really appreciate the compliment, but unfortunately, i would mind. thanks again.
#24
I really like this, it's definitely some of the best writing I've seen on this site. It's got a really good flow to it and the you really make the rhyming work