#1
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Ok guys, i was tryin to sleep one night, and i had this idea for a song, and i was kinda pissed off at religion, and how currupt it is. now im not totally against religion, cause i do belive in god, its just i think the churches are weak. but yea plz crit!

You came to save, they went to pray
why aren't you here to save the day....

(screamed) Shrouding Viel!

To dark to ever see
wait.. i thought you loved me?

LIFE COME TO END!

(chorus)
You fight the bull you catch the horns, as i beat your crown of thorns
How holy are you now?
Not till i see you on the ground
I'll turn your whole world upside down!
Come on tellt he truth, were dying in the name of you!

You cast your shadow down on me...cut...
you'll see i bleed
staind cross on the hill
that holy name you must forfill.

I'll wash my hands in your sin
wanting the burning to come to an end
All hate in the name of you
i'm done with this & and done with you!!!

War and hate, whats the cause
human nature has its flaws
follow blindly into death
DARKNESS OR LIGHT!!
STAND AND FIGHT!!
SACRIFICE!!!
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#3
You came to save, they went to pray
why aren't you here to save the day....

something doesnt flow right here. Maybe something like "You weren't there to save the day"?

(screamed) Shrouding Viel!

To dark to ever see
wait.. i thought you loved me?

I would take out the "wait" there, it corrupts the flow of a decently nice couplet. And maybe "too" instead of "to"?

LIFE COME TO END!

(chorus)
You fight the bull you catch the horns, as i beat your crown of thorns

^Love this line!

How holy are you now?
Not till i see you on the ground

^not as good as above, but not terrible.

I'll turn your whole world upside down!
Come on tellt he truth, were dying in the name of you!

^Hate it. Sorry it just doesn't fit at all.

You cast your shadow down on me...cut...
you'll see i bleed
staind cross on the hill
that holy name you must forfill.

Love it. Would change forfill to "fulfill". Forfill isn't a word.

I'll wash my hands in your sin
wanting the burning to come to an end
All hate in the name of you
i'm done with this & and done with you!!!

Possibly change "wanting" to just "want" to keep the flow?

War and hate, whats the cause
human nature has its flaws
follow blindly into death
DARKNESS OR LIGHT!!
STAND AND FIGHT!!
SACRIFICE!!!

Last stanza is rather weak but it does the job.

I love the idea of this, (No i'm not atheist) but i feel that exact way about religion alot of the time. Like I said though, decent content, could use a little punching up here or there but overall i like it. 7.5/10? Rock On I say.... Rock On....


If you wouldn't mind crit mine they are "For You, My 'Love'," and "Goodbye"
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
#5
thx alot guys, ive been waiting forever to get some decent comments back, and this is exactly what i was wanting. nugznbudz haha what you said totally made sence, ill deff take your advice. thx guys
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#7
yea, ive come up with a revised copy, and am planning on posting it, but yea all comments are apreciated. i just finished a new song too, and i will post it also.
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#8
10
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are