#1
I see you in the night
creeping in the shadows
you have a lust for blood
your the midnight mist
I'm the weeping victim
your the stalker in the night sky!

Porcelin skin
Undead eyes
Winds of my memory
Whisper my name

The night sky is painted
with reflections of your deceit
This moonlit illumination
Is enough to make me weep

What can the damned
Say to the damned?

Lust of a shattered heart
Paves the sky with blood
Your image stains my mind
This black hearted addiction
Fuels my pain for for hatred

Porcelin Skin
Undead eyes
Winds of my memory
Whisper my name

As the sun sets
And darkness creeps
I feel my soul sinking
As my soul withers away
I break down and weep
My gear
Ibanez RG7321
Jackson Warrior WRXT *FS/FT*
Jasmine J35
Squier Fender P-Bass
Ibanez TBX150H
Crate 4x12
Fender Rumble 60


Part of UG's 7 STRING LEGION
#2
Quote by ReinventingEvil
I see you in the night
creeping in the shadows
you have a lust for blood
your the midnight mist
I'm the weeping victim
your the stalker in the night sky


You have some good phrases here but the "i...you...i..." etc. deal gets a little repetitive.

Porcelain skin
Undead eyes
Winds of my memory
Whisper my name


I like it. Good word choice.

The night sky is painted
with reflections of your deceit
This moonlit illumination
Is enough to make me weep


I like the first two lines...the third one is good but I don't like the way it flows into the fourth one. "is enough to" kind of makes the rest of it sound a little wimpy for some reason. I like the imagery but consider changing those lines around a little bit...even if it ends up not rhyming.

What can the damned
Say to the damned?


I like this too, short and simple.

Lust of a shattered heart
Paves the sky with blood
Your image stains my mind
This black hearted addiction
Fuels my pain for for hatred


You already mentioned the sky so it feels just a bit repetetive...and the last line seems a little forced.


As the sun sets
And darkness creeps
I feel my soul sinking
As my soul withers away
I break down and weep


The last three lines could be reworked into something stronger. Maybe "I feel my soul sink/ and I weep as it withers away." Even though that doesn't rhyme it still has a nicer ring to it I think.

Overall this is pretty good. It's got sort of an older-Opeth kind of atmosphere to it which I like a lot. With a little bit of reworking this could be solid.

check mine out, here.
Last edited by flame843 at May 14, 2008,