#1
yes, I know i'm mentioning winter a lot, deal with it :p
__--------------------------------------------------__

That winter wind ripped at her sides completely
Like it inecased her in an irongripped embrace
Her new boyfriend was out breathing in liquid
Like it was the oxygen he lacked in his bloodstream
Never have I had to use that much control to not move
But my eyes just watched the fire and I lived precariously through that

My mind is just as numb after sitting through this night
It's like the intelligence here drops with the decibals
He and I didn't exchange pleasantries, pleasantly
Like we were both ignoring that the other had what the other wanted
And I could never pick the bitterness when he looked at me
But I swear I spoke more ill of her than him...

He wears her like a medal, draped across his chest
And I would rather a different metaphor but tonight
With this liquor in my pocket and these lyrics on my mind
I'll let him get away with a petty fantasy of a girl he kinda likes

And later in the dark, when everyone was passed out on the ground
I caught his eye with his arms wrapped around her, a Winter Wind if ever I saw one,
I whispered to him, with more malice and honesty than I ever intented
“As much as I'd love to kill you, I'm glad that she's warm”
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#2
Love it. Great, great writing. Especially the end. 10/10, good job.
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded
#3
Thank you. I'm going to post more soon
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#4
"He wears her like a medal, draped across his chest
And I would rather a different metaphor but tonight
With this liquor in my pocket and these lyrics on my mind
I'll let him get away with a petty fantasy of a girl he kinda likes"


SO GOOOOD!!!


You write really well! I really enjoyed this piece, and the feel of bitterness is overpowering.
Great stuff!
Keep it up!

Could you crit mine? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=861706
Azza
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#5
Thank you. I wrote this retrospectively. I had my version of writers block which means for me that I can write but I don't like what I write. And so I chose something I can always write about. Certain parties where a certain ex is. This is what came out. Plus, i'd just read Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer, if anyone gets the reference :P
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#6
It picked up as it went along.

The first verse, the how shall I put it, verbose vocabularly just didn't seem natural enough. You know I'm not a guy who's like "aaah big words blah blah", it's just it seemed quite forced. It was a really stuffy, claustrophobic passage to read and it didn't sit well with me at all.

The rest I dug, as usual. Especially "pleasanteries pleasantly"
#7
Thanks Jammy, I need to re-write that first verse, you're right, thakns
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."