#1
Crit4Crit . Plz Leave a link to your piece


Tranquility

Hiding emotions , falling asleep
All the fears in life you need
Drifting thoughts like pouring rain
People kind of feeling strange
Still how we feel
Adds fuel to the flame
Whispering desires break the chains

Lock these doors
Cure all your cancers
Behind these holes
Lay our answers
The doors ,these doors
Have all Deciphers,
from our souls

Storming oceans, calming winds
Piece of mind where you have been
Fearless heart with forgotten pain
Love and hate trying to exchange
Still we hide to plot our lines
Question crimes, Just To be fine


Thnx for reading .
Hi
#5
i liked the 3rd stanza alot more than the first two.
i'd probably switch the "kind of feeling" to "feeling kind of" in the 4th line of the first stanza. also in the 5th line you could change "still" to "but," imo i think it'd flow off the tongue just a tad better.

i like the meaning in the second, comparitive to actual stanza itself. it kind of looks like it was just thrown together in a rush, or something.

the 3rd is great. i love it.

all in all it was a pretty good read. it kind of looks, though, as if maybe you rushed things along while writing? i just kind of get the feeling like you could do better.

if you'd like - asd; vol.3
#7
Quote by abhishek21
Crit4Crit . Plz Leave a link to your piece


Tranquility

Hiding emotions , falling asleep
All the fears in life you need
Drifting thoughts like pouring rain
People kind of feeling strange
Still how we feel
Adds fuel to the flame
Whispering desires break the chains

Lock these doors
Cure all your cancers
Behind these holes
Lay our answers
The doors ,these doors
Have all Deciphers,
from our souls

Storming oceans, calming winds
Piece of mind where you have been
Fearless heart with forgotten pain
Love and hate trying to exchange
Still we hide to plot our lines
Question crimes, Just To be fine


Thnx for reading .


Awesome poem!

I don't really know what to change other than little things that might make it flow better.

I think taking the "s" out of emotions will help the line sound together (Asleep doesn't end with an "s", so don't end emotions with an "s" either.)

After "drifting thoughts like pouring rain" put in a line that explains what the thoughts are causing...... like...

Drifting thoughts like pouring rain
Drizzling down, dampening depression

OR, if you want it to rhyme

Drifting thoughts like pouring rain
Pouring down, increasing the pain

Just putting in lines that put depth in your poem help to better convey the emotions/sensations you are trying to portray. Try it in some other places in the poem.
#8
Hiding emotions , falling asleep
All the fears in life you need
Drifting thoughts like pouring rain
People kind of feeling strange
Still how we feel
Adds fuel to the flame
Whispering desires break the chains

very nice flow, decent content.

Lock these doors
Cure all your cancers
Behind these holes
Lay our answers
The doors ,these doors
Have all Deciphers,
from our souls

i'd change the sencd and 4th lines, but just a sugestion.

Storming oceans, calming winds
Piece of mind where you have been
Fearless heart with forgotten pain
Love and hate trying to exchange
Still we hide to plot our lines
Question crimes, Just To be fine

very strong ending!

7.5-10 good job
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are