#1
Not very good, but I try, haha
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I find my heart beats for you
My mouth, trembling, speaks for you
My eyes bat for you
And my hands, gripping alone in the night, long for you

I love you, and to word it any other way could make a world of difference
Though Gods may beckon for me some day
I will brush them off, and stay by you
Though the world may move without my allowance
I will merely smile because here I am with you

I find the night wind sings for you
The sun rises and falls for you
The hill grass sways for you
And the lakes and rivers flow for you

I love you, and to word it any other way could make a world of difference
Though Gods may beckon for you some day
I will fight them off, and hold you close
Though the world may move without my allowance
I will take your hand and walk to the end of all things
Because I love you, and give you my heart
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded
#2
There are lots of "You" in there which is quite irritating . The only line i liked was

"Though the world may move without my allowance".

Other than that the whole sun moon thing didn't appealed to me.

Like you said "Not very good but I try" . keep trying

Thnx for the comment
Hi
#3
I find my heart beats for you
My mouth, trembling, speaks for you
My eyes bat for you
And my hands, gripping alone in the night, long for you

mm my eyes bat for you? lol strange expression, but w/e it kind of throws off the flow caz the previous 2 were a bit longer then your last line here is.. way too long. and you keep using you at the end.. it kind of throws the piece off.

I love you, and to word it any other way could make a world of difference
Though Gods may beckon for me some day
I will brush them off, and stay by you
Though the world may move without my allowance
I will merely smile because here I am with you

the you's again.. u cant rhyme you with you lol. jsut doenst work haha. idea's are a bit cliche.

I find the night wind sings for you
The sun rises and falls for you
The hill grass sways for you
And the lakes and rivers flow for you

you's again.. and the for you.. not a big fan if you wanan keep the you's u could say. the night wind sings for you/ the sun rises and falls with your breath/the hill grass sways like your hips/ and the lakes and rivers flow to you.

I love you, and to word it any other way could make a world of difference
Though Gods may beckon for you some day
I will fight them off, and hold you close
Though the world may move without my allowance
I will take your hand and walk to the end of all things
Because I love you, and give you my heart

meh some of it is repeat. of the previous nothing new to add.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#4
Well, about the rhyming, it is a poem and poems do not need to rhyme. But I understand about the you's. It didn't bother me just reading through it, but I guess I will work on it. Thank you again.
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded