#1
This is an old one, and it is rather long so... patience

Now i remember what you used to say
that every December owns a sunny day
now i remeber i used to forget
but you were so kind, you'd let me amend

I used to forget about the sun
about the birds in your cardigan
abot the barn we used to hide
about the bkes we used to ride

My memories lost in the oblivion
My body lost in the collision
My mind stuck in the decision
My eye found behind the vision

I try to think of yesterdays
I always wake on mind delays
remember of our last carress
pick out the one, let go the rest

You take my hand and shake it hard
so i can wake up and restart
push "delete" on my hard disc
You gotta pay once you take the risk

My memories lost in the oblivion
My body lost in the collision
My mind stuck in the decision
My eye found behind the vision

Strange noices receive my ears
strange voices shake my fears
strange lemon gives me tears
strange oblivion stole my cheers

Now i remember how i lost myself
the only that kept me from the grave
now i remeber the stars crashing earth
and i remember the last kiss you gave

Remember of me so i won't forget
noone remembers, that makes me regret
deceiving amnesia took me from home
receiving and giving, exchanging alone

My memories lost in the oblivion
My body lost in the collision
My mind stuck in the decision
My eye found behind the vision

Oblivion of life is the blade of the knife...
Every form of control over another person is a crime

AEK Athens
Asteras Exarcheion
Prasini Thyella
Rayo Vallecano

RED MILITIA-Vamos a Vencer
#2
I like it, who are your influences?
Now i remember what you used to say
that every December owns a sunny day


I especially like that line and the Chorus. The flow of the song is nice too. Check out mine Bitter
#3
My influences are more like Anthony
Kiedis's lyrics, but that hasn't been too clear here...
I think i might 've been listening too much Supergrass at that time...
Every form of control over another person is a crime

AEK Athens
Asteras Exarcheion
Prasini Thyella
Rayo Vallecano

RED MILITIA-Vamos a Vencer
#4
heh, I was putting it to a modern rock sort of rythmn in my head. But, now that I know it does seem to show a little in your lyrics.
#5
Quote by Plan_B
heh, I was putting it to a modern rock sort of rythmn in my head. But, now that I know it does seem to show a little in your lyrics.


Ya mean Supergrass or Red Hot?
Every form of control over another person is a crime

AEK Athens
Asteras Exarcheion
Prasini Thyella
Rayo Vallecano

RED MILITIA-Vamos a Vencer
#7
First to say i'm not feeling very intellectual today to forgive me if i don't get parts of your song.

And a little broken down crit for you...
And before i start i've gotta say it was longg... but actually it wasn't, you didn't quite need to post the whole chorus in all the time. It made it look longer than it actually is and can put some people off going through the whole thing...

Quote by KenMasters
This is an old one, and it is rather long so... patience

Now i remember what you used to say
that every December owns a sunny day
now i remember i used to forget
but you were so kind, you'd let me amend
Maybe you could remove "that" from the 2nd line to improve the flow. Apart from that it has a good flow but the last two lines are a little vague. Like you don't quite explain what was to amend or maybe if you could use another word to make it more clear.

I used to forget about the sun
about the birds in your cardigan
about the barn we used to hide
about the bikes we used to ride


My memories lost in the oblivion
My body lost in the collision
My mind stuck in the decision
My eye found behind the vision
The repetition of "my" sounds to take away the substance from the chorus, but leaving that aside it the rhyming sounds slightly forced. Again a lot of things in here not quite explained. Like whats this "collision" you speak of. Whats the "decision" your mind is stuck in. And i don't quite get the last line...

I try to think of yesterdays
I always wake on mind delays
remember of our last caress
pick out the one, let go the rest
I like the phrase "mind delays" its quite cool. Don't quite get the last line again. Not quite clear.

You take my hand and shake it hard
so i can wake up and restart
push "delete" on my hard disc
You gotta pay once you take the risk
Like the analogy here, but again don't quite get what you're trying to say here.

My memories lost in the oblivion
My body lost in the collision
My mind stuck in the decision
My eye found behind the vision

Strange noices receive my ears
strange voices shake my fears
strange lemon gives me tears [???]
strange oblivion stole my cheers
Good flow and rhyming here.


Now i remember how i lost myself
the only that kept me from the grave
now i remeber the stars crashing earth [like this line a lot! really catchy]
and i remember the last kiss you gave

Remember of me so i won't forget
no one remembers, that makes me regret
deceiving amnesia took me from home
receiving and giving, exchanging alone

My memories lost in the oblivion
My body lost in the collision
My mind stuck in the decision
My eye found behind the vision

Oblivion of life is the blade of the knife...


Okay,
Overall it was a fairly meh piece. I'ld give it a 6/10.
The flow wasn't very smooth at places. You need to keep a check on your syllable counts and meter of each lines to maintain a good smooth flow.
The rhyming felt forced at places while it was pretty cool at others.
Then there was the whole issue of the piece being a little vague. Like you seemed to throw in a good loads of images and ideas in there but left them unexplained and slightly vague. Now i do sorta vaguely get it is sorta about a person you loved and you didn't quite notice the good things of the relationship or you did things that caused her to leave you... something along those lines i presume... (forgive me if i'm wrong!)... but you've gotta try to convey something a little more than just that in your song. It doesn't just do it for me. It doesn't quite seem to have the emotions and feel to it in it. You've gotta try to structure and write your piece to reflect the emotions/theme of the song. Sorta making it layered with underlying meanings and emotions. So try keeping that in mind for future writings.
Last edited by af_the_fragile at May 15, 2008,