#1
i pretty much hate this, but its been quite the day and it needed to be written. ots, as usual. c4c, also as usual... kinda. i probably owe some people, but i honestly don't remember, so let me know. oh, and leave a link. i'm a lazy bitch.

edit: took out one of the aloofs. changed some other stuff. still don't really like it. whatever.

editagain:no more aloofs. and i tried to make the end make more sense... not sure if i did that very well, though.


did you even realize you told me you love me?

you're cute.
"you're beautiful"

you always say the right things
when i'm naked in your bed.
lust-filled lies taste so sweet
that i'm quick to believe.
and your arms fit around me
so perfectly
that i'm recklessly willing
to pretend that you need me.

still, i'm too good at what i do
to think you're telling the truth.
and all your vertical indifference
doesn't further the illusion.
you know that you have me,
pretty words or no,
so why feel the need
for seduction?

"yep, i'm single."
shocking...

you don't know you're not alone
in our world of deceit.
i pull it off much better
than you.
see, i really fucking love you,
so i repeatedly feign
a horizontal indifference,
to make you think that you need me.


but its impossible to win
when we're playing
separate games.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
Last edited by hope's downfall at May 18, 2008,
#2
Just use "aloofness" the once, it would havea lot better impact.

I adored this gem.

I'll be back hopefully with something costructive.
#3
i agree with Jamie as far as the "aloofness" issue goes. however; i do understand exactly why you did it. there's just got to be a better way to do it, you know? it felt catatonic the second time, and the piece as a whole is everything but-------------------------------------------------^^

this may sound weird too, but i don't think that i would like this nearly as much as i do right now, if this was written by a guy. there's a certain "down-to-earthness" about it, that i believe could only be shown through a girl's perspective. well done.

take a gander at mine? vol. 3
if you get a chance, cool. if not, also cool.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 16, 2008,
#4
did you even realize you told me you love me?

you're cute.
"you're beautiful"

you always say the right things
when i'm naked in your bed.
lust-filled lies taste so sweet
that i'm quick to believe.
and your arms fit around me
so perfectly
that i'm recklessly willing
to pretend that you need me.

still, i'm too good at what i do
to think you're telling the truth.
and all your vertical aloofness
doesn't further the illusion.
you know that you have me,
pretty words or no,
so why feel the need
for seduction?

"yep, i'm single."
shocking...

you don't know you're not alone
in the club of deceit.
I'd look for a replacement for club
the sound is abrupt
and it feels less sophisticated
than you'd expect these two to be.

i'm a hell of a lot better at it
than you.
see, i really fucking love you,
I was amazed while reading this line
then laughed when i realized
it didn't say
i really love fucking you.
Being mildly lysdexic does have unique benefits.

so i repeatedly feign
a horizontal aloofness,
to beat you at your own game.


but its impossible to win
when we're playing
separate games.
My own thought process
muddled the ending for me.
In the last line of the previous
you said your own game.
But at the end they're separate games.
I get the distinction
between your game being
patterned after his
but still, it was troublesome.
I may be alone on this.

I wasn't crazy about aloofness, either.
I don't care for the sound of the word.
but I don't know what else to suggest as a replacement.
And whatever it is, I think both instances would still need to match
to make horizontal/vertical powerful as the distinction between the two.

I enjoyed this.
btw, have I ever told you I love you? ;]
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at May 16, 2008,
#6
Sort of. I've always used it when critiquing.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
thanks, boys.

Quote by ottoavist
this may sound weird too, but i don't think that i would like this nearly as much as i do right now, if this was written by a guy. there's a certain "down-to-earthness" about it, that i believe could only be shown through a girl's perspective. well done.


otto, i actually know exactly what you mean. when i write, i try to put myself into every piece. whether that's good or bad isn't really the point, the point is that underneath whatever's on the outside, i'm nothing but an insecure little girl pretending to be strong. i don't like that about myself, but its who i am, so i try to acknowledge it. which is why most of my pieces are pretty obviously written by a girl.

syk i totally get what you mean about the end. if i revise, i'll try to make my meaning more clear.

and i kind of agree about aloofness. but i have no idea what to do about it. suggestions are welcome.


oh, and what's this "yesterday's incident" business?? i feel out of the loop in my own thread...
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#9
Quote by hope's downfall
oh, and what's this "yesterday's incident" business?? i feel out of the loop in my own thread...


there was a debate on Joris's piece - No, he never met Picasso.
#10
Back tonight, lol.


So,

there is nothing wrong with this that hasn't already been pointed out. This is beautiful. The only thing that even phased me was aloof thing. I was gonna stanza by stanza, but I realized I'd just be stroking your e-vayjayjay. There is just so much behind this... and no one but you could really pull this off. So much emotion...

SYK hit on the game thing... that bothered me. If you are beating him at his game... you are playing the same game.

Oh, and I didn't like that the title pretty much summed up the piece. Leave some more intrigue, make it less blunt and let the piece do the talking.

Very awesome though ray, ray.

Last edited by ZanasCross at May 18, 2008,
#11
yeah, ummm, wow, I can kind fo see why you hate this cause its just really teeny-bop. It seriously is a song that would fit neatly in an Abril album. I'm not try to dis or anything, just telling you how I feel, cause judging from this, you need a little of that from other people in your life.