#1
Moonlight. Well, a sixty-watt torch hanging
from the outstretched branches of a tree,
a thin string of cotton hung it like a noose -

but the lights are up. That’s my job done.
Now nervous for the film to shoot.
The stage is ready to be lit like the

flick of a matchstick on the strip,
each actors chance to shine against
the thick black canvas at the rear.

But trouble - a flicker makes centre stage
disappear - and I’m shot a look, a glare of
disapproval that gets me moving at light-speed.

From up here each match is a small speck
of cinder in the thickness of burning wood,
dying in the glow of my fixed-up moonlight.


One of my most deliberate pieces I think I've ever written. C4C.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 16, 2008,
#2
I really like this poem, I actually understand what your saying, and I'm not good at translating poems well, I liked the image you made with it too, it's really good
and if you want, crit my newest song "Nine Lives"
#3
I didn't like the way you broke the whole piece into stanzas . It destroyed the flow for me . It started out pretty well with whole philosophical production guy but didn't end that well for me.
Other than that your perspective was nice.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=861559
A comment on it would be nice but don't feel obliged
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at May 16, 2008,
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
Moonlight. Well, a sixty-watt torch hanging
from the outstretched branches of a tree,
a thin string of cotton hung it like a noose -
i didnt like hung in the last line. because you used hanging in the first line, i feel like hung should be hangs. just for tense agreement. it makes sense the way you have it, but it still threw me off for a second.

but the light’s are ready. That’s my job done.
Now nervous for the film to shoot -
the stage is ready to be lit like the
you don't need the apostrophe in lights. and the dash at the end of the second line made me think you were going to give a reason for being nervous, but the second part of the sentence has nothing to do with it. i would change it to a full stop if i were you.

flick of a matchstick on the strip,
each actors chance to shine against
the thick black canvas at the rear.
i like you.

But trouble - a flicker makes centre stage
disappear - and I’m shot a look, a glare
that gets me moving at light-speed.
i wanted more here. where did the glare come from, did anyone say anything, were the actors just standing frozen in the darkness? i know you said this was one of the most deliberate things you've written, so maybe the lack of detail was intentional... i just felt like i was missing out.

From up here each match is a small speck
of cinder in the thickness of burning oak,
put out by my fixed-up starlight.
i like how you ended on starlight. i actually like everything about the last stanza. i can't say why. i just do.


One of my most deliberate pieces I think I've ever written. C4C.


so i definitely liked this. but i'm not sure how much i personally took away from it. meaning, i like the words, but i don't quite feel them. eh. not a bad thing. or a good thing. whatever...
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#5
<3 too bad I changed the ending while you crittted

It's basically about failed actors, the blending of reality into the title arts, and repetition of recycled rubbish on television. A rant, almost, though subtle. And other things.

I'll definitely edit to most the points brought up though, Ray.



Andy - the stanzas are just to mimic a filmstrip/photo shoot sort of thing. A reel of film/photos or something like that. Thanks man.

I'm all smiley I can't stop

#6
ooh, i like it even better ending on moonlight. for the same reason. only more. yea.

and that seems to happen to me a lot... my critiques are made worthless by a mid-crit edit... damn my timing!
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#7
Unlike most poems that was actually fun to read. Its a great story with some really cool rhyming schemes - lit/flick/matchstick/strip. Only thing I don't like much is the term "light-speed", it just doesn't seem to be at the same caliber as the rest of the poem.

Awesome stuff though, like I said I usually don't enjoy reading poems/lyrics this much.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
it read like someone who wanted to speak about something directly and then thought "this is too direct" and then decided to make it a little more cryptic so that it could sound poetic.

just sounded fake and kind of made me hate you a little bit (you being the author, not you as a person of course, jamie). one of my least favourite from you, ever.
#9
Moonlight. Well, a sixty-watt torch hanging
from the outstretched branches of a tree,
a thin string of cotton hung it like a noose -

I really liked your first stanza, it really sets the scene without giving to much away from the beginning.

but the lights are up. That’s my job done.
Now nervous for the film to shoot.
The stage is ready to be lit like the

I like the way you've cut your stanzas, adds tense!

flick of a matchstick on the strip,
each actors chance to shine against
the thick black canvas at the rear.

Really liked this line, it can be taken out of context and is very strong and emotive.

But trouble - a flicker makes centre stage
disappear - and I’m shot a look, a glare of
disapproval that gets me moving at light-speed.

Your use of punctuation is really effective here!

From up here each match is a small speck
of cinder in the thickness of burning wood,
dying in the glow of my fixed-up moonlight.

Beautiful.
Overall I really liked the way you wrote this, it wasn't the most powerful thing I've ever read but to me it seems you acheived what you set out to do.
Great work!


-Azza
Crit mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=861706
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#12
Unless you're actually "off" then yes, I would appreciate it if you could, Dylan. And return my comment on your profile and give me your msn, bitch.

Zach, don't feel obliged. I was hitting you back for daffodils which I missed.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 18, 2008,
#13
this had an interesting feel at the end here, like there really was something going off-kilter, but i couldn't quite put my finger on it, which is of course not a bad thing. you really did 'set the scene' here nicely (pun intended) and i really dig the image of the moon hanging from a branch in the tree. Cool stuff.
#14
I really like this actually. I think someone mentioned that they don't like how it's divided up into different stanzas and I would have to agree, it kind of kills the flow in my opinion. But other than that I think it's really good.