#1
I wish I was (But I'm not).

Verse 1
She thrives on death and destruction,
Darkness surrounds her,
But when she smiles,
There is light, in the darkest place.

My thoughts are drawn to her,
In the surrounding black of night,
My eyes adjust to the darkness,
And it doesn't seem so bad.

Verse 2
My reasoning catches me as i fall,
Differences are my downfall,
It becomes harder every night,
Knowing ill never be with her.

Her presence is intoxicating,
Her poisonous lines a cadence of death,
Incite a rite of passage within me,
That I cannot shake.

Chorus
She searches yet cannot find what she is looking for,
I see those things within myself
But I will never reach,
The standard that she expects and deserves.

Bridge
I only wish things had turned out differently,
That i could have another go at life,
And make things the way i hoped.
But she would never see me the way i see her,
With longing and passion i strive to become,
What I’m not,
For her.


Thanks,
Azza
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#2
I like it
its good, better than anything I could write.
We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.
Jim Morrison
#3
quite good i must say, i can relate to them very well right now, directly relate to them

however i dont see them fitting into music that i would like, well done nonetheless
#4
It's not bad at all. I like the flow. Only thing is the repeated darkness reference in the first verse. Maybe try Dimness or Lighting in place of Darkness.

Crit mine? On first page.
#5
You seem strung out on pronouns.

Learn to vary your word choice and work on your imagery to present your ideas better. Saying "she feels this, I feel that" is tedious and on the whole flat, dull and boring. Try and show, not tell. This does not mean use pompous over the top artsy metaphors, it means characterize through actions not through the use of abstract nouns.

Your flow was odd for a song. Reading it there's no real melody going in my head to it, so I suggest checking up on metre and syllable counts, just to have a look at what flow can do. Metre is nowehre essential for songwriting but it helps a lot.

Maybe use some rhyme as well. To start with it will probably sound corny but the more you write, the better it will be. Try internal rhyme aswell to inject some better flow.

I appreciate your critique on mine
#7
Quote by dirthouse3000
its just nothing i havent seen before thats all


I actually wrote this with another subject on my mind, it just turned out that it came out this way.
But noone else can seem to pick what the other meaning is..
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.