#1
Hey all, just recently got into lyric writting. This site looks pretty reliable and fun to be a part of. This is my first attempt at writting a song. Let me know what you think about it, or what improvements I can make . All the stuff in italics (also bolded) are sung on back-up if you couldn't tell.

A soldier exists and then he’s gone,
So don’t go thinking, just draw your gun
A sacred second disappears
Releasing with it all our fears
A candle burns and bombs explode
While those soldiers try in vain to reload.

A birthday wish has been made
A happy song no longer played
You spend your seconds like loose change
Never to see the dawn
Never to see the twilight
Never to know the cause
Never to know what’s right

Ten seconds of your life left
The final countdown cuts no slack
So what will you do?
With the time you’ve gotten back?

A final wish or lover’s touch,
Don’t think about the life you've lead
Not like it matters much now
Because you're good as dead

Every moment as precious as life
Would you wield the brach or the knife?
Or is that choice even yours to make?
No longer in peace
No longer in control
Haunted by death
Forced to pay its toll

Ten seconds of your life left
The final countdown cuts no slack
So what will you do?
With the time you’ve gotten back?


Would you waste it away?
Ten seconds of your life left
Would you end another’s?
The final countdown cuts no slack
Blinded by your hate
So what will you do?
Would you take the chance?
With the time you’ve gotten back?
To kill your own brother?!?!

A soldier exists and then he’s gone,
So don’t go thinking, just draw your gun
A sacred second disappears
Releasing with it all our fears
A candle burns and bombs explode
While those soldiers try in vain to reload.

10 Is this really 9 what you wanted? 8
Your 7 final mot-6-ive so daunted? 5
Because 4 now it’s 3 toooo late, 2
This 1 is just your 0.
Last edited by NinthDetour at May 17, 2008,
#2
I really liked this, the countdown at the end is something you dont see everyday so good work on that one!

The first verse moved quickly which i liked, gave the piece momentum.

I liked the "Never" repetition, very direct and very definite.


Great work!
Thanks for the crit on mine.
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#3
My spontanious thought after reading the first verse was "wow, that's a lot of rhyming". I'm not saying that rhyming is a bad thing, but you should always keep in mind that a verse doesn't need to rhyme all through it to sound good. The overall impression of the lyrics is really nice though, good work!
#5
Quote by NinthDetour
Hey all, just recently got into lyric writting. This site looks pretty reliable and fun to be a part of. This is my first attempt at writting a song. Let me know what you think about it, or what improvements I can make . All the stuff in italics (also bolded) are sung on back-up if you couldn't tell.

A soldier exists and then he’s gone,
So don’t go thinking, just draw your gun
The problem with these opening lines is that they are destined for war battering. You can instantly guess what the song is going to be about and it puts you in a cliched frame of mind, which is unfortunate for you, the writer, because the reader will then have a natural biased approach towards this when scanning it over, and even when picking it apart.
To start off a war song, it may be more advantageous to bring the reader into the story with intrigue and disguise, not obvious speech.

A sacred second disappears
Releasing with it all our fears
Nice two lines here - The word "releasing" is well choosen. - but the ending term "fear" is obviously overused and too much of a cliched emotion. If you are going to contort your minds eye bluntely, it needs to be backed up with reasons of why that fear is so present and prevalent.
A candle burns and bombs explode
What relevance has the "candle"?
While those soldiers try in vain to reload.
This is very conversational, it doesn't suit the rest of the piece, which is quite flowy and poetic.

A birthday wish has been made
"has been made" - Ugh - that is a boring way to describe an interesting idea.
A happy song no longer played
You spend your seconds like loose change
This is very good.
Never to see the dawn
Never to see the twilight
Never to know the cause
Never to know what’s right
Proper punctuation could compliment the line breaks here.

Ten seconds of your life left
The final countdown cuts no slack
You have a decent setup here with the alliteration, but the final word "slack" throws it into the decomposing mess of a battle field you have so decided to describe and lets a tant role over it until it is no more. Make sure you don't ruin competant ideas with poor beginings and poor endings.
So what will you do?
With the time you’ve gotten back?
Questions here make the reader a little more curious but the word "gotten" - very poor langauge.

A final wish or lover’s touch,
I'm interested by the way you choose not to add in the "a" between "or" and "lover's".
Don’t think about the life you've lead
Effective word choice with "lead" - it coincides with the rest of the weapon imagery you have adopted previously in this piece.
Not like it matters much now
Once again, you have a cool line...
Because you're good as dead
...but you ruin it with this overly conversational line.
Every moment as precious as life
What is this? Very weird simile here that I can't see possibly working.
Would you wield the brach or the knife?
Cliched question that has been possed many many times.
Or is that choice even yours to make?
This thoughtful question raises the previous poor one out of the mire and into my thought process.
No longer in peace
No longer in control
Haunted by death
Forced to pay its toll
Don't like this.

Ten seconds of your life left
The final countdown cuts no slack
So what will you do?
With the time you’ve gotten back?


Would you waste it away?
Ten seconds of your life left
Would you end another’s?
The final countdown cuts no slack
Blinded by your hate
So what will you do?
Would you take the chance?
With the time you’ve gotten back?
To kill your own brother?!?!

A soldier exists and then he’s gone,
So don’t go thinking, just draw your gun
A sacred second disappears
Releasing with it all our fears
A candle burns and bombs explode
While those soldiers try in vain to reload.
This is all a little bit too much by now.

10 Is this really 9 what you wanted? 8
Your 7 final mot-6-ive so daunted? 5
Because 4 now it’s 3 toooo late, 2
This 1 is just your 0.
You have an interesting idea here but you didn't pull it off as well as it could of been.

My main queery with this is how rushed it feels. You need to slow down, pace your writing and perfect every line as if it were the last line of poety you will ever pen again. If it is even slightly iffy, change it, there is no shame in forced alterations; they can often be very corageous and daring.

This needs to be shortened as well: A war song, such as this, only requires a few lines actually about the effects of war as everyone already knows what they need to know to wright excatly the same this themselves anyway; there is nothing new here in terms of knowledge, experience or energy; sure there is your heartelt emotions, but they are portrayed in cliched ways and therefore I cannot relate to you or it.

I hope I have helped you and not seemed overly harsh.

Digitally Clean
#6
Honestly, overly harsh is what i want. I dislike people that hold back what they really think because they don't want to hurt the writer. Honestly is what brings otu the best in a writer. Truthfully though, this song is so old I didn't even remember writing it (yeah a few monts >.> Rushed doesn't even begin to describe it. I was just accepted as a lyrisit for a band with my friends and they wanted me to write a song for them. i did this in an hour. The band broke up due to terrible planning and not having a guitarist, so the song was left abonded, which is why I put it here, trying to save anything it had left in it. I am still unsure as to why I chose a war theme, as the original inspiration for the song was absolutley not war related. War is a highly over-used topic. Bringing this back into my attention, I'm going to try and take the ideas that are savable and start anew. Thank you for your critisim.