#1
Ok so I wrote a poem and I decided to turn it into a song, now this is just a rough draft and I'm gonna add more stuff. And I wanted your guys opinion
Verse 1
Here you sit, in the darkest corners
While with you, is only the crystals,
While what you do hurts us the most

Verse 2
For 13 years you lied to us,
To him most of all,
You went from a great person
To a pile of nothing, in a matter of minutes

Chorus
We will never forgive what you did to us,
Well I hope your happy,
You did all of that just for it,
Because of that we'll never be able to trust you again

And I'm gonna write a 3 verse and when I do I'll post it and let you guys read it.
We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.
Jim Morrison
Last edited by ninja dude at May 17, 2008,
#2
It will work, if you're a good vocalist. It's a little too straightforward for my tastes though.
#3
Quote by nightraven
read the rules of this forum please, specifically thread titles. also helps to make them legible.


Kk, and what do you mean by more legible?
We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.
Jim Morrison
#4
Quote by ninja dude
Kk, and what do you mean by more legible?

S/he means that
1)The title of the thread should have been the name of the piece and a genre,
and
2)You spelled everything in the title wrong.
#5
"You went from a great person
To a pile of nothing, in a matter of minutes"

I didnt like this, maybe reword to something along the lines of "To nothing, in a matter of minutes".

I like the inclusive language in the chorus, using all the "We"s throughout.

Pretty good writing, just needs a little polishing.
Crit mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=861706
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.