#1


it's the monotony of
a thousand empty bottles
an empty house
blank pages
makes me want to
call up a friend
to go lay on the beach
or sit in the park
nice ways to watch a day go by
but i'm not that social.
it's not the monotony it's
the lonliness of
a stereo playing in the next room
while i sit playing with pens
pick up some bottle caps
bring them together in interesting ways
to make the same sound
over and over again
child with a rattle
an empty passtime
passing time
from one hand to the other
in anger at myself
and the effort i didn't make
masturbate with the left
write it all down with the right
semen staining those aspirations
ink defacing my body and soul.
a shell.





love is a dog from hell.



#2
I really liked this!

"it's not the monotony it's
the lonliness of
a stereo playing in the next room
while i sit playing with pens"

WOW. This whole piece was pretty epic, i loved the overall idea.
I think the only thing you could to improve this would be a little punctuation, but apart from that i really enjoyed reading it.

-Azza
Crit mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=861706
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Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

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You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#3
i didn't like it after "empty bottles."

no passion in this one. none.
ok, this guy's bored, but he's anti-social; conundrum.
so what does he do? he masturbates furiously, using his left hand, aspiring desparately for some kind of release/change, all while writing it down with the right.
where does this road end at for the reader? pity?
Last edited by ottoavist at May 17, 2008,
#4
the masturbation part seemed like too-much-information.
maybe look for a replacement?
consider dropping the first line entirely.
why telegraph the mood?
develop it instead.
it might be interesting to throw out all instances of the, it's, but, and while.
that would make it more stark and abrupt.
maybe limit to 4 words max. before a line break.

or maybe not.
Meadows
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#7
Quote by skagitup
what?


there's no spice. there's no hook. it's depressing, and not in a good way.
i don't know if i'm answering your question right; where did you find yourself colliding with that exerpt of my statement?
#8
hook? what the ****? this isn't a pop song.

i just think it's incredibly offensive to decide for yourself and everyone else that this was written with no passion. what authority do you have on th subject? sure, say it's awful, say it makes you want to rip out your teeth and wear them as a bracelet, but putting the writers personal inspiration into question is quite arrogant - you're basically saying "oh, you wrote this not caring at all about th topic", or whatever, which i think is entirely wrong. I connected immediatly with th feeling of this piece, i've been in the exact mindset of the peom's character oveer and oveeer again and i cant help but think tht you're entirely missing the point. th, perhaps, monotonous feel of the piece just emphasises the feeling of th moment that is being described. it works perfectly and is, if not an enjoyable piece to read, one of th most well crafted things i've read in a while. whether that was intentional or not I have no idea, but i thought this was superb.
#9
Quote by skagitup
hook? what the ****? this isn't a pop song.

i meant, nothing to hook me in to it.

listen, i could tell from the beginning that he wrote this with passion. he seems like the type of person to never go without it during the writing process.
what pissed me off, is that the only thing i could do here is relate. i don't want to just relate to something, i'm settling for less than the time i've wasted reading it.

Chris's work always has some kind of surreal kicker, a twist per-se, that just shines of a down to earth brilliance. why not imply that here? why rob himself in the process to even write this? this sucks.

it was wrote well; probably impeccable. that's all it was.
#10
Quote by ottoavist
i meant, nothing to hook me in to it.

listen, i could tell from the beginning that he wrote this with passion. he seems like the type of person to never go without it during the writing process.
what pissed me off, is that the only thing i could do here is relate. i don't want to just relate to something, i'm settling for less than the time i've wasted reading it.

Chris's work always has some kind of surreal kicker, a twist per-se, that just shines of a down to earth brilliance. why not imply that here? why rob himself in the process to even write this? this sucks.

it was wrote well; probably impeccable. that's all it was.



Personally I thought this was more down to Earth than most. I don't get the problem = the only thing I want you to do is relate.

How have I robbed myself?




love is a dog from hell.



#11
who doesn't relate to boredom? it's just bland subject matter.

i feel like you of all people could take this and turn it into gold, and that's all of the kissass i'm giving today fellas.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 17, 2008,
#12
somebody's forgotten that poetry's subjective.

the relation and connection between the reader and the author is what makes a piece, and it makes this one. i loved it because it described nights that I personally have experienced and it made me feel like someone else in the world feels the same things and eats th same food and wears trousers that are a little too short but doesn't realise and then someone will say "those are a little too short" and then they will decide not to wear them again but then eventually the other trousers will get dirty and they will have no other choice.

it made me feel comforted and it made me FEEL things which is more than every other piece of poetry that's sitting about on these boards at the moment, so for someone to come here and say that it was written without passion made me want to rip out the fridge and blow myself home.
#13
^well i'm glad it got your rocks off dude; i don't mean that sarcastically either.

i just expected better than this.
#16
oh, blah. you remind me of the farmer who went out in may and said to me "i'm expecting a fruitful harvest this year" and then he won the lottery and never returned to the rain.

edit. to dr. otto octavius.
#18
Quote by skagitup
oh, blah. you remind me of the farmer who went out in may and said to me "i'm expecting a fruitful harvest this year" and then he won the lottery and never returned to the rain.


was that below the belt? oh, that was so below the belt, you little stinker.

EDIT: i'm done, it was just my opinion guys.