#1
Playing around with some short pieces. Not sure if I like it or not. Oh, and there is a deeper meaning... really. You just need to know a little basic nuclear structure to understand it. PM me if you want me to explain the physics part.


Dr. Ciocca finished drawing hydrogen's third orbital.

"Students, this is the first lesson you need
to learn about being a physicist:

The sex you'll never have with
the cute girl who doesn't know you exist
will always pale in comparison
to Beta decay."

We were bewildered.
#2
here's what i think not about the piece but about the meaning:

Even if you'll end up having sex or one night stand or a date with the girl u have a crush on . You can't guarantee that you'll have a stable relationship with her. Unlike hydrogen who gets stable after beta decay.
Hi
#4
PM me if you want me to explain the physics part.


Nuff said, Zack.

Stop hiding.

doesn't know you exist

Awkward. The reader stops at "doesn't know you", but then gets hit with "exist". "doesn't realise you exist" or just "doeosn't know you" would work a heck of a lot better.

You have aribtary random line breaks. The enjambment doesn't do anything.

I'm sorry, Zach, but everything still reeks of only reading S+L pieces. It's like me being a footballer but not watching any football. Maybe I just don't get it but still

I really do wish you would take your potential and do something with it. It's so frustrating.
#5
i actually really like this. the language is simple but the message you try and portray is very thought-provoking. very accessible even with the whole science thing to it.

and if you want to comment on any of my stuff then comment this (not a crit though, i'd feel bad if you did that):
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=857048
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
Last edited by TV Party at May 17, 2008,
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
doesn't know you exist

Awkward. The reader stops at "doesn't know you", but then gets hit with "exist". "doesn't realise you exist" or just "doeosn't know you" would work a heck of a lot better.
i dunno Jamie, that probably has more to do with regional dialect.
i felt quite comfortable with that part.
my mind automatically translated know to realize.


The sex you'll never have with
the cute girl who doesn't know you exist


I'm sure there is a reason for all the negatives here
and it's probably fundamental to the message that I'm not understanding.
I never studied Chemistry or Atomic Physics.
So I found this rather Bohring.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
Thanks All.

And Jamie; I'm sure you are right about the S&L thing. Can you explain what you mean a little more though? Like, what sticks out and says that about my pieces? Oh, and the fact that you think I have potential is quite a compliment in itself.

And SYK, yeah. I think you're right about the regional dialect thing, I'd have never even thought to use "realize" because that is what "know" means for us in that context.
#9
Quote by ZanasCross
lol, not one I had thought of. But quite a valid interpretation.


I'm a curious guy . I need an explanation.
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at May 18, 2008,
#11
setting up the piece by saying it has meaning is, like, sooo me two years ago. Having gone through that phase I can honestly say "stop it, let the piece speak for itself."

And myself, I don't care about grandiose scientifical Pynchon crap at this point. I care about what you did yesterday, what you're doing today, and why you, with the knowledge that you have from living, believe that man you saw yesterday may have commited suicide (that you know because you saw him on the news later that day). I care about why this reality is different from any other. Give me truth through your eyes and I'll be happy.
#13
Quote by Jammydude44


I'm sorry, Zach, but everything still reeks of only reading S+L pieces.



No it doesn't.

Quote by Jammydude44

I really do wish you would take your potential and do something with it. It's so frustrating.


I think he is. Zanas is one of the few people on here that I consistently enjoy to read. From what I can see, he's developing tremendously. I have no idea what you are talking about.

Quote by #1 synth
setting up the piece by saying it has meaning is, like, sooo me two years ago. Having gone through that phase I can honestly say "stop it, let the piece speak for itself."


Unfortunatly I think it's necessary. People read poetry on here with a critical mind and low expectations - I can presume that without the introduction some people would have assumed that this was just a bunch of shit.

Quote by #1 synth
And myself, I don't care about grandiose scientifical Pynchon crap at this point. I care about what you did yesterday, what you're doing today, and why you, with the knowledge that you have from living, believe that man you saw yesterday may have commited suicide (that you know because you saw him on the news later that day). I care about why this reality is different from any other. Give me truth through your eyes and I'll be happy.


This was not written for you. If this is not a subject matter you enjoy then have the courtesy to notice the subjective nature of poetry in general and refrain from commenting. You're really quite annoying sometimes.

In General: I did agree with Jamie's point about the "exist" lines. They just read quite awkwardly, although I don't think either of Jamie's suggestions are the right path to take... Maybe have a think about it - I know you're someone who regularly edits things, I think it's worth a think about.

It was enjoyable, witty and instantly capturing, like a mermaid.
#14
Come on Alex, stop shooting down others opinions and telling us we're wrong. It's fair to disagree and have your own but not to say anothers is just wrong.
#15
Dear skag: fuck you. Calling me annoying for trying to impose my own opinion upon others is stupid, silly, and a waste of time. I was not flaming Zack, I was not verbally assaulting Zack, I was not even saying that the piece was poorly written. I actually merely told him what I care about, he, and the rest of this board can take it as they may. I actually had the courtesy to do for him that which is incredibly difficult for many to do, put what they want to read into words. I told him that I wanted a story, something that you will find captivates everyone on this earth. You told me I was "quite annoying sometimes."

If you honestly believe that I am wrong, that people (who he is writing for, like it or not, if he is posting on these boards) do not want to hear about people and do not care about people and just mundane ideas people fabricate, then I pity you.

Poetry is subjective. I have a strong opinion on something I have been doing and trying to improve upon (on and off) for the last six years. And, well, my completely subjective view is that your post in calling me "really quite" annoying for posting a valuable piece of advice was petty, without backing, and ironic.

To quote Matt: "Fuck it, I'm done here."

Sorry to clutter your thread Zack. And truth be told I did like the piece, it was witty and cute. I just was hard pressed to actually care about it because of the detached nature in which you wrote it (with the quotes and such) and the detachment (imo) inherent in writing a short piece with a physics background.

#16
You seem to be a very angry little person. You're so adament that people should have the right to express their own subjective views and yet you tell me to fuck myself when I reveal mine - your comment annoyed me. Sure, it was nice of you and probably incredibly helpful to zach to know that he should write about people (sarcasm) but it was corrupted with what seem to be your stone cold views that everyone on here sucks. An opinion you appear to express regularly. It's really that which annoys me. This is not a board for professional poets, this is a board for ameaturs, like you and me, and the sooner you realise that the sooner i will stop wanting to stab you in the heart. I may be dreadfully mistaken, but whenever I see your name pop up in a thread on S+L i just know it's going to contain some kind of dreary negativity that encourages people to entirely change their writing style in order to conform to your opinion of what is good and what isn't. Forgive me forgive me forgive me for saying that you're annoying. I'm ever so sorry.
#17
*Newsflash to all Arguers*

This is the internet. Not the real world. You will probably never see any of these people in your life.
*End Newsflash*

Pardon the interruption. And thank you for your time

#18
Critiques about the piece or not at all. Take it to PMs guys.


And send me the transcript later
This is not a pipe
#19
Allow me to repeat myself:

Quote by #1 synth

Sorry to clutter your thread Zack. And truth be told I did like the piece, it was witty and cute. I just was hard pressed to actually care about it because of the detached nature in which you wrote it (with the quotes and such) and the detachment (imo) inherent in writing a short piece with a physics background.



And for the record (the one we will send to caramel), I am an extremely happy and carefree individual who likes puppies, jump ropes, long walks on the beach and fine French cuisine; my favorite color is yellow and my favorite food is potatoes.

(And also for the record: this is the most I have ever agreed with Jamie in a single thread ever)

#20
i think i liked this, but i really can't say. care to teach me about the physics thing??

when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?