#1
not sure if i'll stay with poem or expand into song. i would like some input and if you leave a link i'll c4c.

Edit: I added some more on here if you wanna take a look.

Verse
Hiding in the shadows,
by the door behind the wall
there's a man,
he doesn't know much about me
except everything i am

C
When i turn the corner
nothing there will change
like the penny in the parking lot
passed by without a care
that's where i'll lay,
in the midst of unreality

Verse
And if i were to fall
i can see you'd catch me,
in my dreams, you'd catch me
But he'd risk it all,
to watch me go down in the flames
Last edited by Cyclones41 at May 18, 2008,
#3
Hiding in the shadows,
by the door behind the wall
there's a man,
he doesn't know anything about me
except everything about me
I would say change anything to much, that line seems a little long to me. Maybe cut out the second "about me" and leave it or maybe make it "everything I am

And every time i turn the corner
there's nothing that will change
like the penny in the parking lot
passed by without a thought
that's where i'll lay,
in the midst of unreality

In this stanza, it doesn't really flow like the first one, and maybe its not supposed to. I would leave the "And" off the first line. The "parking lot" and "thought" rhyme seems forced to me, and again it does not flow like the first stanza. I agree that branching it out would be good for a song with a little work


If you could check out mine that would be great. Here's the link:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=861998