#1
I hear things calling my name
somehow i'm dumbstruck with pain
i fall to the ground
i think i'm going insane
but then i hear a sound
i look to the ground
it looks to me and calls supernatural life


hit on the head im suposed to be dead
yet my soul is alive
although i'm brain dead inside
i've been shuned from heaven
turned away from hell
but i've found new life
in this supernatural relm


Deamons are running
fires are burning
my mind is turning
to the call of the supernatural life


Dead in mind live in body
in an insane world without touch of reality
make friend with the deamons
your own families gone
for your soul is stuck in the supernatural world
Last edited by andimal at May 18, 2008,
#2
I liked the idea behind this, unusually for me, but the execution was very trite.

First point that struck me was your rhyming. It was very basic, tedious and corny. Perhaps in the future look into techniques to help flow other than rhyme. There are many.

Presuming this is a song, you might want to think about incorporating some sort of good hook, to keep people wanting to listen to this again. While not essential it gives a song a bit more structure.

One last thing that bugged me about this was your imagery. On the whole it was rather weak, no part really got me interested or brought me into the piece. Maybe work on thi sin the future and try to paint a more vivid picture of what you're trying to say, instead of using abstracts such as "I'm alive inside".

So, yeah. Hope any of that helped.

If you could leave a comment on the poem in my sig, I'd appreciate it. Many thanks if you could.
#3
this is my first good song ad i appriciate the comment i changed a few things so tell me what you think comments always welcome