#1
This is only about the third song I've ever written, the last one being well over a year ago. Please tell me what you think, and I'll try to crit your writings, thanks.

Do you wonder what I'm wondering
Do you feel what I'm feeling
I wish I could tell you
I wish I had the words to say
I wish I could hear you
Say that there's no other way

What's known is known
Man you're on your own
Thread the needle and cast the stone

Hold the phone
Man throw me a bone
Tell me what the hell is going on

Do you wonder what I'm wondering
Do you feel what I'm feeling
I wish I could tell you
I wish I had the words to say
I wish I could hear you
Say that there's no other way

I'm sick of it
This endless pit
When does it start and when does it quit

You sit alone
Atop your throne
Feeling like your thoughts unknown

You don't know what it's like
And if you do than we're not unlike
Do you question that up means down
And if you do than lose your frown

[Instrumental]

Do you wonder what I'm wondering
Do you feel what I'm feeling
I wish I could tell you
I wish I had the words to say
I wish I could hear you
Say that there's no other way
There's no other way
There's no other way
There's no other way
You're so divine

[Interlude]

There's no other way
There's no other way
There's no other way
To make you mine
Last edited by ttreat31 at May 17, 2008,
#2
You've got really good flow going here; great for songwriting.

The actuual content is quite cliche and trite, though. I mean, it's not god--damn terrible, but there's room for a lot of improvement.

Try and read what everyone else has written, and make sure yours would stand out against them. Get some spark into your words, use various techniques to add that.

And don't leave a year in between songs. If you have the breathe, don't leave ten seconds.



If you could leave a small comment on the poem in my sig, it'd be appreciated. Many thanks.
#3
I know it's cliched. That's what I was worried about, but I'm not sure of how else to express what I actually feel without making it sound like that.