i hear them there in my head
The voices that I so dread
They lock me up in this cell
Can i not be saved from this hell

They whisper to me
telling me that I’m insane
They trap my mind in solitude
Threes nothing that I can do

Come save me
Form my self
Come save me
From my hell

Do you think I can be saved
From the war that is being waged
I can not think I only stare
My mind is completely bare

I used to fear the things out there
Now I fear only what’s in there
Only time will tell when I can leave this

Come save me
Form my self
Come save me
From my hell

well what do you think
The monosyllabic rhymes killed this piece, for me, I'm afraid.

There wasn't really anything that got my attention. Yeah you told a pretty sturdy narrative but when it comes down to really making the reader/listener of these lyrics feel something - it was lacking, for me.

Keep writing though, and reading and listening and taking everything in from life.

If you could leave a small comment back on the poem in my sig, I'd appreciate it. Thanks if you can