#1
c4c on this one. I want to work on it.


Wine cooler is shattered on the floor.
I’m lying on the sofa,
my feet, legs and arms
are sprawled in every possible direction.
We’re a vestige of a bad dinner party.

There’s a beautiful woman on the floor,
I hope she’s not unconscious.
There’s a beautiful woman in my head,
I hope she’s not too lonely.

I can’t sit up so I’ll idle in watching the chandelier.
It’s modern, not even a proper one.
A few adjustable metal poles and light bulbs
stuck onto the end of each, bent into an arachnid shape.

She walks over.
I think there are too many bottles on the table.
My body knows there are too many bottles on the table.
Seventeen glasses on the floor.

It's a shame I'm dead for it tonight.
Last edited by confusius at Jun 6, 2008,
#3
Quote by confusius
c4c on this one. I want to work on it.

Hey Kyrl!! I liked this one.


Wine cooler is shattered on the floor.
I didn't like "shatter", I found it hard to imagine a cooler shattering, and I don't know many glass wine coolers. I think either you should have it as a wine bottle, or replace "shatter" with something else. It was a cool opening though, really sets the scene and atmosphere quite well. I really liked it.
I’m lying on the sofa,
my feet, legs and arms
are sprawled in every possible direction.
I think you should tie this image in more with the "arachnid" one later (which I'll get too). It would be such a cool parrallel. It only needs a hint - but read below for more views from me on that. I find it hard to imagine feet sprawld a different way from the legs but maybe that's what makes me like it all the more
We’re a vestige of a bad dinner party.
Hmm. Not sure on vestige. Does't feel right to me, not in keeping with the rest of the piece. Maybe it's just me. The sound of the word sounds cool, I'm not sure meaning or diction wise though. Ah well...

There’s a beautiful woman on the floor,
A semi colon is far more appropriate, I feel.
I hope she’s not unconscious.
I really liked this. On one hand and first read it seems tongue in cheek. On second read it holds this real melancholy air about it, and it just felt like a very well used idea. Nice and simply worded, great emotional effect.
There’s a beautiful woman in my head,
I hope she’s not too lonely.
Aaain, I'd prefer a semi-colon, I believe it's more grammatically correct in this context too. This was slightly weaker in my mind compared to the other line. Hmmm, one part of me is thinking "does the piece really need this sentence?". If it doesn't, I think it's removable. The single idea you first had was really good by itself, and I felt the repeition and then weaker image killed it slightly.

I can’t sit up so I’ll idle in watching the chandelier.
Interesting word choice with idle. Not a commonly used verb, used more as an adverb or adjective. On further reads I think it fits the piece and your style quite nicely. "I'll idle" doesn't roll of the tongue very well, though, in my opinion and so maybe that's why I was negative at first on that word.
It’s modernistic, not even a proper one.
Eew, modernistic was, well, kinda icky for me. Any reason you added the istic onto moder? It feels that it reads better without it as well... "not even a proper one" i liked, you have such a cool way of having simple, colloquial wording having great effect. This line resonates quite well with the lonley beatufiul woman, as well. So maybe that line's a keeper afterall.
A few adjustable metal poles and light bulbs
Cool half-rhyme with poles/bulbs. Sort of.
stuck onto the end of each, bent into an arachnid shape.
I so would much rather "spider shapes", not only because of the fantasic alliteration and consonance, but because I feel it keeps it slightly more melancholy than the coldness of "arachnid" which keeps the tone consistent. I don't know if you agree with me on that or not, I guess it's a personal thing, tone, but that's what I thought on first read. I was waiting for "other" after "each", and for a second it threw me, but again, on another read, I quite appreciated the ellipsis. Gave it an edge.

She walks over.
I think there are too many bottles on the table.
My body knows there are too many bottles on the table.
Seventeen glasses on the floor.
Maybe combine two of these sentences? The short stop-start felt too choppy imo. Maybe the middle two with a dash or semi-colon? I quite liked the last line. I mention the choppines because, including the last line, you've got five really short sentences and it just killed the atmosphere imo. Short sentences like this are generally used for - creating dramatic tension/suspense, or breaking up long sentences. Five conescutiively seemed ott to me. Maybe think about the pace of it as the reader is reading - it didn't seem as natural as the reast of the piece. So, yeah, maybe make this two sentences instead of four. Imo.

I’m dead for it tonight.
Aw, Kyrl, this was a sad but emotionally perfect ending for the piece. Just the stanza before I think needs editing for this to have a better impact.



I really liked this piece on the whole, man. You've got a great way about your phrasing most the time, especially you're little colloquialisms that makes your pieces real. And that's a pretty good something to have, just don't get hung up on it. Your images were generally quite fresh and I think your ideas were very cohesive, which made the ending all the stronger.

So, yeah. I have something in my sig if you felt like returning. Don't feel obliged though man. Thanks if you could
#4
Wine cooler is shattered on the floor.
I’m lying on the sofa,
my feet, legs and arms
are sprawled in every possible direction.
We’re a vestige of a bad dinner party.
I'm not so sure on your end-stopping on every line except one here. I don't think that the particular line holds any special meaning or value to the piece as a whole, so why the oddity? And why the lack of articles? The first line just feels as if it's missing something.

There’s a beautiful woman on the floor,
I hope she’s not unconscious.
There’s a beautiful woman in my head,
I hope she’s not too lonely.
I like the repetition, but try removing the modifier in the fourth line to make it match the rest of the stanza better.

I can’t sit up so I’ll idle in watching the chandelier.
It’s modernistic, not even a proper one.
A few adjustable metal poles and light bulbs
stuck onto the end of each, bent into an arachnid shape.
I'm not sure on this stanza, it's too, sort of, modern. While you have modern references earlier on (like "wine cooler") here it demands your attention. I find the piece as a whole rather abstract, and such vivid modern imagery disturbs the poems overall ethos. There are too many syllables for my liking too.

She walks over.
I think there are too many bottles on the table.
My body knows there are too many bottles on the table.
Seventeen glasses on the floor.

I’m dead for it tonight.
I like this as an ending. The end stopping and repetition works, and the fact you haven't explicitly stated what's going to happen (though you've kept it obvious) it suits the majority of the poem's sense of having an undertone.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#5



I'll get it Jamie. Someday sometime, as usual, but it'll arrive.


EDIT: tsk tsk, stealthy Hannah, posting at the same time as me. Thanks.
#8
Ok, I took a lot of liberties with your work just to try to give you some ideas.

Wine cooler is shattered on the floor.
I’m lying on the sofa with my head toward the door
someone left my limbs sprawled in every direction.
We’re a vestige of a bad dinner party in need of suggestion

There’s a beautiful woman on the floor,
I hope she’s not unconscious.
There’s a beautiful woman in my head,
either way it’s a shame I’m dead

I can’t sit up so I’ll idle in watching the chandelier.
It’s modernistic, and by default insincere
A few adjustable metal poles and light bulbs burning bright
A nice view for the end of my tunnel, It's a shame I'm dead tonight


She walks over as well as she’s able
I think there are too many bottles on the table.
My body knows there are too many bottles in me
I can’t move and she’s walking toward me

It's a shame I'm dead tonight
#9
^ouch.

I have a few things to say about this. Catch me on MSN man, and remind me.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.