#1
***
Exhale while you whisper sounds
that scrap across your jagged teeth.
The salty-ness of the morning dew
slithers along your back;
slalom style,
until safely underneath the elastic band
that I begin to pull down.

I think there was a scene in a movie like this,
or was it a commercial
About energy drinks and under gowns?
I am trying to remember what happened next.
Did the girl turn around and back-hand him?
Or did she ‘bend over’ to further aid his intentions?

I noticed a star over you right shoulder
peeking through the silver lined sky,
almost as if it was wincing.
And then, not a moment later
it closed its eye.
Could it not bear to watch anymore of this?
I winced back, even though I knew
it could no longer see me.

“What’s wrong. Is everything okay down there?”
she asks with an innocence so permanent,
so unchallenged, so…..
….everything that is both perfect
and disturbing in this world.

“I think I just need a minute,” I say,
taking my hands off of her legs,
motioning my friend to turn off the camera,
and slowly backing away.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at May 18, 2008,
#2
i really really liked this. the pain in your words is palpable. nice.

i can't actually think of any way you could improve this. sorry, i'm a tad bit worthless. just... nice work.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#3
thanks for the kind words...its cool coming from a ladies perspective. I wasn't sure how that would pan out.
#4
"I noticed a star over you right shoulder
peeking through the silver lined sky,
almost as if it was wincing.
And then, not a moment later
it closed its eye.
Could it not bear to watch anymore of this?
I winced back, even though I knew
it could no longer see me."

if you read "it" as your penis this passage is hilarious. If you read it as otherwise it's just a really good stanza.

Good, originally refreshing content and nice flow. I like your poetry much more than your prose honestly.
#5
haha, holy crap man, nice pick-up on that. Certianly confirms what I was thinking about subconsciously and you consciously. wait.... :-P Anywho, I'm glad I could provide every one here with their 'penis' fix for the day.
#6
There were some really cool things here... "slalom style", "back-hand him" and the star stanza...

This was just a swell read. Twice in a row now I've been mightily impressed. Keep it up
#8
yeah, I guess I am on a roll....this was kind of one of those piece that just came together nicely, with a lot of different elements and stuff.....thanks again guys.