#1
Cause me pain
and cut open my heart
slice my veins
and tear my soul apart.


My emo little 4 line. can't figure out any other stanzas that fit with this so i don't know what to do with it... is it good enough to stand alone, or should i just forget about it altogether?
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
#2
Hi. I'm here to be harsh again, forgive me in advance.

Quote by nugznbudz
My emo little 4 line.


You pretty much hit the nail on the head. This is horribly cliche. Just because you are writing something in a certain style doesn't mean you need to drop into the bland ideas and the horribly boring imagery of the genre. Emo songs/poems tend to have the exact same ideas, images, and phrasings you used. Nothing about this stood apart from every other emo poem I've ever read. If it were me, I'd drop it.

-zC
Last edited by ZanasCross at May 19, 2008,
#3
Yeh...pretty cliche. I guess you could write more too it and make it into a depressing little emo song, but whats the point with there's thousands others just like it?
And if for some reason you feel like my 2 sentence crit is worth a crit back....or your just bored/nice enough to do it anyway

'killing spree', first page.
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
#4
How about some grunge emo? Like...

Cause me pain
fisting my heart
teething my veins
and twisting my soul apart
#5
how about writing about real emotion instead of forging that of others? it's a groundbreaking concept, i think they call it originality or something.
#6
Quote by Arthur Curry
how about writing about real emotion instead of forging that of others? it's a groundbreaking concept, i think they call it originality or something.


yeah i'm not sure exactly where you're coming from, but you've said that about all of my poems and i'm not exactly sure how you mean... like i write all my stuff just from when I get really hurt or mad and it's just what comes out... i don't know what you mean by forging that of others i guess is what I'm trying to say, I have no problem with the harshness it's well deserved but i would appreciate if you would at least explain your harshness so i can benefit from it and not just be super confused...
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
#7
thanks for all the comments, i know it's a little cleche but this kinda stuff happens to me all the time and like i write best when i'm angry or upset and it's just that this is the sort of stuff that comes to my head... maybe i need to get the ideas down while i'm upset and then go back and revise them once my head is out of the fog and i can actually think straight... but yeah i didn't really like this piece much myself i just wanted some help to see what i'm doing wrong... which is exactly what ya'll told me. so thanks much.
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink