#1
turtle-doves.

btw; the spelling is on pur-pus.


now
here we go, again:
demanding at-t-ten, she-on;
she holds love let-ters
to my face.
the raging lee-brah,
carries on.
you could sift
through
the
rain-clouds,
in-the-li-ving-room;
and find
con-nip-shons
in her bath-towel,
ree-spec-ting
month-lee
moods.
but i've been sit-ting
on the porch,
babe,
smoking cig-are-ettes;
while you've been
dreem-ing
of
the good-life:
the one
with John-nee Depp.
so soak
your tongue
in bath-salts;
and make
your skin
so sil-kee smooth.
and
keep-up
the mor-ning walks;
and yo-ga
babe, i love-your-"moves."
maybe
less at-ten, she-on;
at 10,
she yawns,
we're moo-ving on.
i love
the
lack of
com-pree-hen-shon;
in flight of
turtle-doves.

c4c mi-amigos, lol.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 19, 2008,
#3
I read it without the whatever you were doing with hyphens and I liked it

I'll be back with more, maybe. Depends whether I can really see past the odd stylistic experiment.
#4
i had a certain catchy flow i wanted the reader to pick up, lol.
i was trying to use the hyphens to exonnerate that.
whether or not that works....ehhh.
#5
Great flow but with the rhythm of it I think 7 lines from the end it should say moo-ving.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
at-t-ten,

I definitley didn't think that worked.

Eh. I really can't find anything to critique, content wise. I find it pretty solid. Your hyphen thing just bugged me. I mean, you have good flow anyway, so I didn't really get why you had to force the reader into it like that. For me it detracted from the piece; imo

Plus, they don't look pretty.

But the actual stuff was good
#9
i like it.

i can't be fucked to type more atm, i'll PM you when i feel like it :x
#10
the hyphens remind me of something that i would do and then everyone would hate it. i liked it personally, it made it fun.
#11
thanx guise for all the input. )))

if anybody's got something out they want looked at just let me know. i'll be looking otherwise.

thanks again.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 19, 2008,
#12
Yo,

Yeah, I'm with Jammy... again, which is weird because we never agree and we have like two days in a row.

Anyways, the piece for me stands much better without hte gimmick. It sort of ruined the content of the piece because I was getting frustrated trying to find out how to read it. Oh, and I like babe.

stupid comment, sorry. But if you feel like giving a stupid comment back... got a new one in sig.
#13
hey man, stupid comments are all i'm good for!

lol.
no prob, though. i'll be getting on yours soon.