#1
Titles not a set thing....just had to have to post so there it is.
It's ment to be a song. I dont know if I'm going to give it a chorus or not....I'm thinkin of making it mostly instrumental.....for the sound of it, think new A7X meets NOFX....kind of a hard agressive punk rock type thing....


It ends tonight--
burning bridges as we fight away
the pain
One last refrain--
And this whole place will be going up
in flames

Dont mess with me
Cuase I'm in the mood for a
killing spree
I'm after you
and at this point there is nothing
you can do.
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
#2
i like the first paragraoh, but the second needs some work. don't say i, say he or somethin like
Dont mess with him
Cause he's the one full of hell and sin
He's after you
and at this point there is nothing
you can do.
hello
#3
I like it. I say let it gel for a few days then start going back to it. Give the second paragraph a tweak and yeah I would give it a chorus. Come on, you know you want the crowd chanting "killing spree", right?
#4
i liked the feeling it gives a lot.
this last verse here didn't mesh for me though.

Dont mess with me
Cuase I'm in the mood for a
killing spree
I'm after you
and at this point there is nothing
you can do.

might just be me, im not sure.
just doesnt flowwww.
#5
i think you have really good flow in the first half of the first stanza but it kinda dies from there. I like the idea and i think it really has good potential for a song, but it'll need lots of work. Def agree with the idea of a chorus. and totally agree with opc about changing the "me" thing. it just seems to be to self-absorbed... idk. i like it though. keep it up.

PS thanks for the crit on mine, you should crit one of my better ones either "Goodbye" or "For you, my 'Love'. "
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink