#1
Originally written for lyric game... but I liked it, thus... c4c.


She blinked, batting thirty year young
eye lashes full of sin scented mascara.
"Now boys, we all know only two of you
will pass Organic this year...
to earn better grades, the rest
can schedule a time to meet me in
the lab and display a mastery of
another form of Chemistry.''
Last edited by ZanasCross at May 19, 2008,
#2
I'd change the first chemistry to "science", and "chemical room" to "lab" or something. In such a short piece, repeptition can only be spared for key, key words and neither was here, so, yeah, variety is the spice of life.

I chuckled at this one. Maybe try and add a slightly subtle more provocative layer i the description? "sin scented mascara" was cool, but thirty-year-young, while it had that undertone of the whole student/teacher thing, was slightly more clums in it's wording.

Enjoyed
#3

She blinked, batting thirty year young
eye lashes full of sin scented mascara.
"Now boys, we all know only two of you
will pass Organic this year...
The rest can schedule a time to meet me
in the lab and prove an understanding
of a different form of Chemistry
way, Way, WAY too obvious for my tastes.
try to suBtle it down, if you can.

to earn his grade.''
Meadows
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#4
i agree with SYK, about the obviousness.
however; it'd be really friggin tough to get around that aspect. so in a round about way, i guess the comment about that is quite unneccessary unless you'd completely rewrite and redesign the piece.

i liked it; i mean it was a fun read. this isn't your best though, ya know? nothing memorable, for lack of a better term. it kind of seems as though you're just not as serious as you used to be? maybe just a new approach? or just having fun? - which is totally cool; i have to tell you, i seem to be contradicting myself everytime i say something today!

whatever....

i liked it. just feel like you could do better.
#5
Thanks guys.

And yeah, for a while I thought I was goign to ty r to be serious about writing... so I was trying to be deep and whatnot... but it just wasn't xomfoetable to me... I felt like I was living in someone elses skin when Iw as doign it. Feel muhc bettre about wrtitng this way. I mya go back ot serius eventually. Juts for nwo... thsi is fnu.
#6
I think you can keep it fun without being too obvious. Like maybe include a metaphor or two or just change the language around a bit so it isn't so blunt. Some innuendo might be fun lol
#7
lol. drunk, are we Zach? or did the spelling monster get on your computer last night?
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