#1
chorus:
so i reject you,in my arrogance
and fail to see that you are( 1)the better(2)the best of me(last time)
so dismissive,blinded by ignorance
i cant see that you keep me going
so i disregard,diminish your role
i take for granted all that you are
you are my everything,my lifeblood,my soul
use your light to guide me and make me a better man

V1
i look to myself,look inside myself
and strip away all i think i am
hold my soul up to the mirror
and see reflected a disillusioned man
stripped of all pretence i stand here bare
naked and shamed for all to see
guilty of negligence,i ignore
the very person who is sustaining me

V2
i see myself as superior and i
think myself as being greater than you
sometimes i forget that you are not just some trinket
but your own living human being too
a much greater person i live by your light
in my folly i think myself the source
faced with these obvious truths i find myself
racked by guilt and filled with remorse

V3
even though i have my eyes wide open
i still have not learned to see
disillusioned i was arrogant and stupid
but now i confront the reality
consumed by pride,jealousy and doubt
i did not show the respect you deserve
i now cast aside my presumed dominance
i struggle hard so that this love may be preserved
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
Last edited by Eggmond at May 21, 2008,
#2
Wo, thought I had already C4Ced this one. Lol. Must have skipped I guess. let me see.

I think there are some quite good rhymes in there. Plus it seems to flow. Maybe I'd go for easier vocab. I know it's not uber vocab, but if simple, twice as good.
Last edited by Deagle-Eyes at May 21, 2008,
#3
Cheers for the message in my thread =]

I like this piece, though the structure confuses me a little. I'm almost certain you aren't starting with the chorus but I'm not sure where it will be in the song, and it stopped me from getting a full feel for the piece as it takes away from the message and progression throughout.

Despite this I really enjoyed it as you keep your message strong throughout but don't seem to force anything to fit with it. Your rhyme scheme is simple but effective.

Sorry abobut the lousy crit but I'm off to watch the United match so I need to leave like now, lol.

Keep up the good work man.

-Toby
#4
so i don'T know what this lyric is intened to say in your eyes , but i love the chorus as it doesn't name the person being talked to , which leaves it open for everyone to project his own ideas into into of whom you are talking , thats the kind of apllicability music definitly needs great work man ... haven't read a chorus of that kind for long it's quite addictive ... i also like yur rhymes in the verses , there are some reaaly good combinations like :

a much greater person i live by your light
in my folly i think myself the source
faced with these obvious truths i find myself
racked by guilt and filled with remorse

keep it up
have you yet worked on a song for this?

please also crit my new lyric Before the Storm

Greymane
#5
yup.the verse is gonna be sort of a Em drone wit a subtle melody and the chorus is some simple but effective powerchords with the 5th on the bass for extra oomph
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#6
Wow. I ****in love it. It has a deep message and the vocab is advanced but nough that most people wouldn't unnerstand it. Write more songs like this please.