#1
culture perseveres.

[I]i've found no nose on
the face of neutrality;
no patience in reality;
no competence for duality;
no resistance to the cowardly;
no confidence in authority.
i'm so sick of all these
faceless, manic fallacies
befriending needless wannabe's;
descending social tendencies;
resting in my enemy's 
steady, careful hands.
the lasting,
protruding,
peripheral propaganda,
resonating in my
worthless lungs isn't
even mentionable
compared to this 
incredibly finite kaleidoscope, 
where a million mirrors of me are 
ready and willing.
i'm an hor d'oeuvre
that's devouring itself.
devouring;
devouring;
digested.[/I]

I feel better now.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 20, 2008,
#3
i enjoyed alliterative aspect of this.
and the not-so random rhymes
that came at different times.

this didn't do much for me:
no consistence in my averaging.


and i really disliked the soupy kaleidoscope


other than that, i enjoyed the read IN SPITE of the friggin code box.
but unless you can give me one good reason for the box,
i'll be back to slap you with a trout.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
*prepares for the commencing of trout slapping* lol.

ummm, basically i used the code box because i liked the how the layout of the piece looked, compared as to a regular post.
thank you for your thoughts, though.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Wow , i really like your rhymes , especially


faceless, manic fallacies
befriending needless wannabe's;
descending social tendencies;
resting in my enemy's


also i like the use of enjambements but i don't know if they were intended or just randomly .. but hey sound really nice , also the repeating of the scheme in lines 3 to 5 is very pleasent in my eyes, but to be honest i have to say the short length of the verses and just making it one stanza makes it quite confusing to get the conclusion of the lyric , but maybe it's just hard for me because i'm from germany , i also would maybe change the length of certain lines to make it read more fluently but all in all it's quite well done

PLease also crit my new lyric Before the Storm


Greymane
#7
Thank you for your words Greymane, I'll get to yours soon.

Zach, hey man, even if you don't find time the bump is always appreciated.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
It ran out of stem halfway through, rhyth and rhyme wise for me.

I mean, it started off as an express train, and I feel if you are going to drop that rhyme-based flow you had then it needs to be seperated by a stanza break.

I also become more emotionall detatched as the piece drew on. I think it's because I was trying to keep up, theme and meaning wise but there wasn't enough concrete on offer to allow me to do so, and in the end I was left a little bit empty.

My couple of pennies
#9
I DONT WANT YER GODDAM PENNEES GIVE ME YOR WALLIT.


thanks for getting back to it Jamie.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
Jamie nailed it. The beginning was orgasmic. The ending not so much. I could literally feel this going downhill on the very first read. It's like I've said to you before, work on writing complete pieces instead of one fantastic section and surrounding it with background. If you could keep half of the intensity you had at the beginning and this piece gets published in the New York Times... the flare was awesome. So I guess, orgasmic is about right... first 10 seconds were awesome after that I needed some taco bell to keep me awake.
#11
I agree with whoever said that this piece started high and ended low. You seem to suffer from something I do too, when writing. Getting caught up in flow and rhyme schemes and alliteration and forgetting that somewhere inside the meaning is getting a bit lost. I knew you were indulging yourself when I got to "protruding, peripheral propaganda,".

I had no idea what I was reading by the time I finished the piece. Which makes it forgettable and that's a shame, cause it was well written.
This is not a pipe
#12
*sigh*
ok, i see exactly where you guys are coming from.
...to be less abstract on the idea of the piece; starting with "the lasting...," the writer's basically saying that eeeeven after that humongous rant(peripheral propaganda in his lungs), he's still just another collapsing number.
jeez this is so cliche. it sucks.

you guys are absolutely right.
i'll be returning crits by the end of the day.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
Yeah I basically was thinking the same thing they all said. Wicked loved the begining but it kinda died... But the beginning was wicked awesome. I still liked the middle, but it just kinda lost alot of it's intensity. The ending for me was basically totally dead. But yeah that's my opinion....
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
#14
^^^OH AND YOR OPINYUNS MATTER TO MES?!?!?^^^

lol, thank you for your words dude. it's not my best, for sure.

EDIT: when i get some time, i'll get to the one in your sig.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.