#1
the ride home was silent,
the sound of my breath rippled through the lonely soundscape.
every passing tree,
every line on the road,
blurs.
i fell asleep into a blanket of memories
and poured tea for my thoughts.
i kissed reality and awoke...

--

i awoke one morning
to the sight of cobwebs festering.
a spider,
so delicate, so feared.
the orange glow from the outside streetlight shuttles it,
rigor mortis sets in.
i prepared a funeral for the spider
and watched the thunderclouds expand apart
on that joyous day.


my life is sort of a wreck right now, so this is just me explaining my feelings. crit 4 crit of course.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
Last edited by TV Party at May 20, 2008,
#2
I like what I imagine in my head. The only problem I could find, though it might just be me, is that "onto" seems weird.
#3
would 'into' sound better?
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#6
the ride home was silent,
the sound of my breath rippled through the lonely soundscape.
every passing tree,
every line on the road,
blurs.
The tenses were the only thing that irked me. Consider changing "blurs". Other than that, very nice.
i fell asleep into a blanket of memories
and poured tea for my thoughts.
i kissed reality and awoke...
"Into a blanket" is an odd term. Maybe "under"? Again, other than that, I really liked this whole stanza.

--

i awoke one morning
to the sight of cobwebs festering.
Very disjointed from the first part. However, I like it. It suits the theme of the piece.
a spider,
so delicate, so feared.
This cries out to be "So delicate, yet feared". Unless you meant it to be fearful, which can also work.
the orange glow from the outside streetlight shuttles it,
Hmm... you lost me. I thought it was morning. What streetlight? I think you need to fix this, and quickly.
rigor mortis sets in.
i prepared a funeral for the spider
and watched the thunderclouds expand apart
on that joyous day.
"Joyous" was very very odd. It was completely out of character for the voice of the piece and I think that even if you meant it sarcastically, it wasn't the right wording.

I loved the first part, it was solid and beautiful. The second is a bit of a mess with contradicting facts and wording. Work on it and this piece might turn amazing.
This is not a pipe
#7
early morning (6am - 7am) the streetlights are still on around my part.

thanks for the comment.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"