#1
I haven't put a piece up in a while, haven't been writing much. But here ya' go...

Honolulu says, I made it in the States
I could eat steak every night for the rest of my life
Some choose not to indulge.

Blue likes to kiss white
Ride the saliva
Attach a kite
Find a good cook for a wife

Drive up Route 1
Dim-lit city tagged
Gray disspearsed
From the Tobin into town
What if somebody had brought my plane down?
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#2
i think "disspearsed" is misspelled, but i could be horribly mistaken.
i enjoyed the first stanza thoroughly, good job. the second wasn't as good, but i liked the wave descriptions. didn't care for the use of "Gray" in the third, but eh..

there's not really much to crit here, man. i liked it, but not as much as your previous works.
if you'd like to slam one on my travesty of a piece, heeeeeer ya gooooooo - culture perseveres.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
I like it, it flows nicely, but I'm having trouble finding any meaning at all... please explain
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at May 20, 2008,
#5
Get rich in the United States(mainland). Move to Hawaii. Fly back to Boston.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#7
Quote by freshtunes
Get rich in the United States(mainland). Move to Hawaii. Fly back to Boston.


It's funny. I'm gonna do the opposite. I live in Hawaii, am gonna get rich, and am gonna move to Boston one day.

As far as the poem, I must say I like your prose a lot more. This didn't do much for me.. I really liked the first stanza, but because of its huge impact (for me), the rest paled in comparison. There was no journey.
#9
I guess what ruined the piece the most for me was that I had to sit and consider what it was about. Normally, your pieces are witty but tangible and intelligible... this wasn't witty enough for me to try to draw my own conclusions and not tangible enough for me to point and have an "ah-hah" moment. It's well written and, for what it is, is nice. But it just seems to lack a sense of purpose or the zip to say, "I don't need a purpose, I'm damn witty."