#1
"One more for the road," he politely asks the bartender
Quite the swanky place for a dive dweller like this
"Ah, but that's the problem," the good sir replies.
You can't even find the road in a state like this.

L              E
 Y            L
  I          O
   N        H
    G      S
          S
         A

The road's right fu[B][B][/B][/B]cking there
you think.
The fu[B][B][/B][/B]ck does a high school dropout like him know anyway.
He got this job because of that damn hipster haircut he has.
At least the tail here looks good.
At least the tail here looks good.  
Go home with some nice broad
That's why you're at this yuppie sh[B][B][/B][/B]it stain bar anyway

"I gotta cut you off bro."
I'm not your bro, co[B][B][/B][/B]ck fag.
I know my god damned limits

"Man it's time for you to
b
  o
u
   n
c
  e
"

Yeah, i'll bounce.
The fu[B][B][/B][/B]ck's that even mean.
Bounce.
God damn ass hole.

Hitting the road takes on a whole new meaning
As you jettison through the wind shield
And the pavement wears your drunk, arrogant face
down to nothing.
At least you didn't leave anyone behind.
Last edited by JakdOnCrack at Aug 3, 2008,
#2
the title just reeks of suckage.

however; regardless of what anyone else says, the rest was amazing. Oh, God, I especially love the section beginning "I gotta cut you off, bro." I didn't like the CODE format; I don't think it suited the layout of this very well.

this is pretty good man. really good.
I'm sorry to kind of just leave you hanging without a more appropriate crit, but I thoroughly enjoyed this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
the code is a little unessery
but i liked this

here
"I gotta cut you off bro."
I'm not your bro, **** fag.
I know my god damned limits

have it be **** bag but thats only because i hate the word fag
and i think just god damn works. sounds strange with the ed


The ****'s that even mean.

this just sounds wrong maybe because the person is drunk
i feel like it should be
what the **** does that mean
or
what does that even mean

the last line i don't understand
it seems to kind of stand out

but i like this i like the story
the unfamiliar bar, douche bag bartender
i didn't see the ending coming but i should have guessed by the title

here is mine if you get the time
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=864323
#5
I like it, to an extent. Like, I think you over use the word ****. Like if you said **** more sparingly, itd have more power when you do use it; but besides that its good.
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Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#7
Quote by JakdOnCrack


First of all, I'd like to say that wow, I really appreciated your comment on my poem. I never expected to be the favourite of anybody here, but apparently I am, and I'm very glad knowing this. Thank you.

"One more for the road," he politely asks the bartender
Quite the swanky place for a dive dweller like this
"Ah, but that's the problem," the good sir replies.
You can't even find the road in a state like this.

[B]Good way to start this piece, it introduces atmosphere, location, etc... All that you really need to do in an introduction stanza. Well done.[/B]

L E
Y L
I O
N H
G S
S
A

The road's right fu[B][B][/B][/B]cking there
you think.
The fu[B][B][/B][/B]ck does a high school dropout like him know anyway.
He got this job because of that damn hipster haircut he has.
At least the tail here looks good.
At least the tail here looks good.
Go home with some nice broad
That's why you're at this yuppie sh[B][B][/B][/B]it stain bar anyway

[B]Thoroughly enjoyed this, it captured the rugged thoughts of a drunk perfectly. Nothing I can change.[/B]

"I gotta cut you off bro."
I'm not your bro, co[B][B][/B][/B]ck fag.
I know my god damned limits

[B] I loved the **** fag line, again there's nothing I can change. This was funny yet surprising at the same time, adding to the range of emotions[/B]

"Man it's time for you to
b
o
u
n
c
e
"

Yeah, i'll bounce.
The fu[B][B][/B][/B]ck's that even mean.
Bounce.
God damn ass hole.

[B]The way you formatted the word "bounce" worked great here, gave the wobbly feeling of maybe having one too many drinks. And the reply was great again, everything I could've imagined it being.[/B]

Hitting the road takes on a whole new meaning
As you jettison through the wind shield
And the pavement wears your drunk, arrogant face
down to nothing.
At least you didn't leave anyone behind.

[B]Brilliant, brilliant ending. I absolutely adore this. I know I haven't used many words throughout this critique, but that's because there's not much to add to this. This ending follows the same pattern, and made me fall in love with this poem as a whole. You say you wish you could write in my style, but man, this seems to be working wonders for you.[/B]


Bravo, this was a hidden gem of a piece, 9.5/10 overall. I don't know whether this was just because of my preferences in writing that made me feel so strongly for this, but it really hit the spot. Good work.