#1
Yeah this is my new revised, first contribution to UG! (sorry about messing up last time, it won't happen again) constructive criticism would be nice here!

I've been waiting
For you again
Cause I'm hoping
That you would say

Cause I wanted you to say
Good day
That everything's ok
again
Cause I'm screaming in your face
That the days are close to fading
And the night is long and
Dark

So cry
All the tears that I
Hide
Can't face the day that I
Died
And I'm waiting for the night
So let me f**k up once again
#2
I've been waiting
For you again
Cause I'm hoping
That you would say


Decent opening stanza, but a bit cliched in it's subject matter. The idea of waiting for someone to do/say something for you is a thing you see alot in songs, not to say its a bad idea to use it. I didn't like the last line as it seems to make no sense to the previous three. "Cause I'm hoping that you would say". Was the last word meant to be "stay"? If it wasn't the line seems to bring the verse to a very abrupt and blunt end. What were you hoping they would say? This thing they are saying might be a better thing to end the verse with.

Cause I wanted you to say
Good day
That everything's ok
again
Cause I'm screaming in your face
That the days are close to fading
And the night is long and
Dark


Although it seems to answer the question of what you are waiting for them to say, it doesn't flow on too well from the previous stanza. I like the lines from" Cause I wanted...again". The idea it creates grabs the attention of the reader because it simple but effective, the idea that you are seeking comfort and solace from this person. I wasn't as fond of the ending, perhaps losing "that" from the 3rd line from the end would be something to look at. Again, the final line "Dark" is rather abrupt.

So cry
All the tears that I
Hide
Can't face the day that I
Died
And I'm waiting for the night
So let me f**k up once again


In my opinion this is the weakest verse. I can't quite put my finger on why but to me it felt a little forced. "So cry all the tears that I hide" could be changed to "So I hide all the tears that I cried" as it makes a little more sense that way. I like the way you continued the "night" theme from the previous stanza but the last line I really don't like, as I feel it is a little immature.

By first contribution here I'm assuming it's one of your first pieces that you've written? If so it's a decent start for you build on. The structure confused me somewhat in the last two verses, it seems to me as if you have split them up this way in order to try and help with a rhythm but I just didn't feel it. Hope you don't think that's too harsh man, because you have the makings of a strong piece here. If you work on some of the things I said it might help you to improve the song.

Could you take a look at my latest piece and let me know what you think of it? Thanks in advance. Here's the link: In Between Dreams

-Toby
#3
Thanks, Tobyfellrunners. yeah that first stanza had a typo. it should be "stay", and that does make it flow better. thanks a bunch for the help, il be sure to check out ur songs.
#5
I'm doing this from my phone just so u know.

I do had one suggestion: try not to use cliche overused words, like die and I and cry so much. They are overused and will throw your poem into the masses. You want yours to be original. Also try not to be so straight forward. Done about how you feel so much, and talk more about the reasons why you feel these rhings. Like instead of saying I cried, say something deeper. That might man really thinking ad exploring yourself. Which is always a good thing we tend to not do cuz we are lazy. Make sure you make sense. How can you want her to say it will be alright an comfort you if your screaming in her face?

The poem is real emotion. Its there. Its the presentation that needs work. Keep me posted I like it.