#1
a short poem i wrote about my girlfriend.

hopefully you dudes, can point me in the right direction to make it better.

cheers.!

And untill, the sky melts and bleeds away
You will be, in my heart
And there to stay…
Through the cold
Dark and frightening times, when despair seems
As if it will prevail..
Ill have a picture stuck in my mind
Of your gorgeous smile.


Never ever, will I find a girl the same as you
No one will smile, giggle and kiss me like you do!
Every day I fall more for you
With every second that passes
I feel as if im living for you…
#2
And untill, the sky melts and bleeds away
You will be, in my heart
And there to stay…
Through the cold
Dark and frightening times, when despair seems
As if it will prevail..
Ill have a picture stuck in my mind
Of your gorgeous smile.

Mmm the flow is very good no problems there, I think with this one it really come down to personal opinion. I would change the word "frightening" and the last line seems a bit cheesy. Other than that no problems.

Never ever, will I find a girl the same as you
No one will smile, giggle and kiss me like you do!
Every day I fall more for you
With every second that passes
I feel as if im living for you…

First of just say "never" don't say Never ever", again not much to criticize really. If I where you I'd maybe try and make it more deep. It's very plain, bland at the moment.



Care to crit mine: Born Within
#3
Quote by GNR's Fan
And untill, the sky melts and bleeds away
You will be, in my heart
And there to stay…
Through the cold
Dark and frightening times, when despair seems
As if it will prevail..
Ill have a picture stuck in my mind
Of your gorgeous smile.

Mmm the flow is very good no problems there, I think with this one it really come down to personal opinion. I would change the word "frightening" and the last line seems a bit cheesy. Other than that no problems.

Never ever, will I find a girl the same as you
No one will smile, giggle and kiss me like you do!
Every day I fall more for you
With every second that passes
I feel as if im living for you…

First of just say "never" don't say Never ever", again not much to criticize really. If I where you I'd maybe try and make it more deep. It's very plain, bland at the moment.



Care to crit mine: Born Within



thanks mate!

by more deep, what exactly do you mean? i mean, this was enough to bring her to tears the other night lol
#4
what he means by more deep i think is
this is a nice thing to give to your girlfriend
but its not really meant for the rest of us
its a standard gf poem
use some imamery, metaphores basic writers tools
its just very straight foreword

to your girlfriend its easy to understand your feelings
but for us its like well what does this smile look like
what makes her unquie

im not trying to bring you down in anyway
its just this is a poem for really just the person you wrote it for
not for people to crit
do you get were i am coming from

anyways be glad she liked it because she is the one it was meant for
and if you could crit my thatd be nice
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=864323
Last edited by frd_marshll at May 21, 2008,
#5
i completely understand what your talking about, frd_marshll, i should probably, use some poetic decvices.

thanks for the help man