#1
Hey guys thanks for looking in. This is my latest song, "In Between Dreams", I wrote it in about 2/3 hours last night. I spent most of my day yesterday listening to August and Everything After by Counting Crows and I think that influenced me in writing this song. I envision it having a very simple acoustic chord progression, with an electric guitar lick over the top of it.

I appreciate you taking time to read my piece so drop me a link to yours and I'll return all the crits when I have time.

Thanks

-Toby


In Between Dreams
(C) Toby Cunningham 20th May 2008


Verse 1:

There’s a world outside your window,
But you’re locked behind your door,
I can hear you when you’re sleeping,
Wishing you could dream some more.

Verse 2:

You watch the people walk by,
Wishing you could be like them.
But no matter what happens; I still
Think about you now and then.

Chorus 1:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
You always said, that there’s
Something I should know.
If I want to remember you,
Then I’ll have to let you go.

Verse 3:

I sit here contemplating,
Beneath my own crown of thorns,
I could spend my whole life waiting,
To be surrounded by your warmth.

Verse 4:

Walking towards the door,
You try to take a step outside,
You hear a gentle whisper,
“You don’t have to run and hide”.

Chorus 2:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
I always listened,
To what you said that I should know.
Now I remember you,
And I don’t want to let you go.

Bridge:

So I walk into your room
And see the four walls that kept you in,
Through the window pours the sunshine,
Casting shadows on all within.
I look up into the sky,
It’s radiant and blue,
And I hear myself calling,
Calling, calling out for you.

Chorus 3:

It’s such a shame,
That I had to wait and see.
That all my dreams,
Could never be reality.
You’re the same,
Person I always knew.
And now I’ll never,
Never, never forget you.

Outro:

I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream
I’ll just dream.
Last edited by TobyFellrunners at May 21, 2008,
#2
Verse 1:

There’s a world outside your window,
But you’re locked behind your door,
I can hear you when you’re sleeping,
Wishing you could dream some more.

Nice verse, sets the idea, and the flow is great

Verse 2:

You watch the people walk by,
Wishing you could be like them.
But no matter what happens; I still
Think about you now and then.

The first two lines are great, and flow perfectly into your feelings in the last two.

Chorus 1:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
You always said, that there’s
Something I should know.
If I want to remember you,
Then I’ll have to let you go.

Beautiful sentence structure, and beautiful flow, once again

Verse 3:

I sit here contemplating,
Beneath my own crown of thorns,
I could spend my whole life waiting,
To be surrounded by your warmth.


Verse 4:

Walking towards the door,
You try to take a step outside,
You hear a gentle whisper,
“You don’t have to run and hide”.
I like how in these two verses its almost a comparison between your life and hers, it works well

Chorus 2:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
I always listened,
To what you said that I should know.
Now I remember you,
And I don’t want to let you go.

Bridge:

So I walk into your room
And see the four walls that kept you in,
Through the window pours the sunshine,
Casting shadows on all within.
I look up into the sky,
It’s radiant and blue,
And I hear myself calling,
Calling, calling out for you.

Again, beautiful imagery. I can picture this being a big build up in the song, and then it explodes into the 3 chorus

Chorus 3:

It’s such a shame,
That I had to wait and see.
That all my dreams,
Could never be reality.
You’re the same,
Person I always knew.
And now I’ll never,
Never, never forget you.

Outro:

I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream
I’ll just dream.
I can see this end being whispering, it would be cool.



Great Job!
#3
Thanks for the response man, glad you enjoyed reading it =]

I'm really happy that you got the right feeling from verses 3 and 4, I wasn't sure whether it would be that obvious that I was comparing the two different aspects. As with the bridge I do want it to be a big introduction into the final chorus, thanks for pointing it out, hope I can do the idea some justice, lol.

With the outro, I'm either going to head with the whispering or with it being gently sung, just repeating until it eventually fades out.

Thanks for the crit and quick response mate, got any pieces up you'd like me to take a look at?
#5
Hey guys thanks for looking in. This is my latest song, "In Between Dreams", I wrote it in about 2/3 hours last night. I spent most of my day yesterday listening to August and Everything After by Counting Crows and I think that influenced me in writing this song. I envision it having a very simple acoustic chord progression, with an electric guitar lick over the top of it.

I appreciate you taking time to read my piece so drop me a link to yours and I'll return all the crits when I have time.

Thanks

-Toby


In Between Dreams
(C) Toby Cunningham 20th May 2008


Verse 1:

There’s a world outside your window,
But you’re locked behind your door,
I can hear you when you’re sleeping,
Wishing you could dream some more.

good, sounds a tad "coffeehouse" if you know what I mean. it could be a little more dark, or light, depending on what tone you want here.

Verse 2:

You watch the people walk by,
Wishing you could be like them.
But no matter what happens; I still
Think about you now and then.

good. nice and pensive, i like it.

Chorus 1:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
You always said, that there’s
Something I should know.
If I want to remember you,
Then I’ll have to let you go.

very good chorus. you could put emphasis on the "its such a shame" or the "Il hae to let you go" to make a good hook.

Verse 3:

I sit here contemplating,
Beneath my own crown of thorns,
I could spend my whole life waiting,
To be surrounded by your warmth.

Awesome!

Verse 4:

Walking towards the door,
You try to take a step outside,
You hear a gentle whisper,
“You don’t have to run and hide”.

Aw. A wee-bit cheesy. The gentle whisper part kinda makes me cringe. try like, "her voice" or maybe something not so..... cliche. I like it otherwise though.

Chorus 2:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
I always listened,
To what you said that I should know.
Now I remember you,
And I don’t want to let you go.

Great chorus, again.

Bridge:

So I walk into your room
And see the four walls that kept you in,
Through the window pours the sunshine,
Casting shadows on all within.
I look up into the sky,
It’s radiant and blue,
And I hear myself calling,
Calling, calling out for you.

Good, the "room" image works quite well.

Chorus 3:

It’s such a shame,
That I had to wait and see.
That all my dreams,
Could never be reality.
You’re the same,
Person I always knew.
And now I’ll never,
Never, never forget you.

Awesome ending chorus. My favorite!

Outro:

I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream
I’ll just dream.

Very good.

Whole song: 8.8/10



Btw, thanks for the crit on mine. im gonna get some more songs up soon.
Last edited by DanteLord at May 25, 2008,
#7
I like how the second half of the choruses use similar words but add more to the story. I don't have a lot new to say, I basically agree with the crits before. I think gentle whispers is a bit of a cliche, and i guess its not a bad thing, personally i don't like cliches.

Overall the song had a really good feel. The flow worked, it didn't sound cheesy. I think outro could be great, if it had like an ambient feel, something similiar to like a radiohead vocal.
#10
Thanks for the crits guys, and blue, I'll get to your piece tomoro, I'm up for work at half 4 in the morning so I'm heading off to bed. If you post again in here tomoro or message me to remind me I'll make sure to get to your piece.

I'd rather give you a decent crit than a rushed one now.

-Toby

[EDIT] I'll get to it now actually, can't sleep, lol.
Last edited by TobyFellrunners at May 22, 2008,
#11
thanks for the crit, it was very helpful. im not so good at crits but ill do my best.

Verse 1:

There’s a world outside your window,
But you’re locked behind your door,
I can hear you when you’re sleeping,
Wishing you could dream some more.
THIS IS REALLY GOOD, I LIKE THE IMAGERY.
Verse 2:

You watch the people walk by,
Wishing you could be like them.
But no matter what happens; I still
Think about you now and then.
THIS DEVELOPS THE STORY NICELY AND IT FLOWS WELL. THESE FIRST TWO VERSES ARE VERY STRONG, I WOULDNT CHANGE THEM.
Chorus 1:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
You always said, that there’s
Something I should know.
If I want to remember you,
Then I’ll have to let you go.
THIS IS A GREAT CHORUS. VERY CATCHY BUT NOT CLECHEID.
Verse 3:

I sit here contemplating,
Beneath my own crown of thorns,
I could spend my whole life waiting,
To be surrounded by your warmth.
THIS IS A GOOD FOLLOW UP TO THE FIRST TWO VERSES.
Verse 4:

Walking towards the door,
You try to take a step outside,
You hear a gentle whisper,
“You don’t have to run and hide”.
THIS WHOLE SONG FLOWS REALLY WELL AND THIS VERSE IS PROBABLY THE BEST.
Chorus 2:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
I always listened,
To what you said that I should know.
Now I remember you,
And I don’t want to let you go.

Bridge:

So I walk into your room
And see the four walls that kept you in,
Through the window pours the sunshine,
Casting shadows on all within.
I look up into the sky,
It’s radiant and blue,
And I hear myself calling,
Calling, calling out for you.
IM NOT SURE I LIKE THE THREE "CALLING"S BUT THE REST IS THE BEST WRITING IN THE WHOLE THING.
Chorus 3:

It’s such a shame,
That I had to wait and see.
That all my dreams,
Could never be reality.
You’re the same,
Person I always knew.
And now I’ll never,
Never, never forget you.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU CHANGED IT UP. IT MADE THE WHOLE THING MORE INTERESTING.
Outro:

I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream
I’ll just dream.
IM NOT SURE I LIKE THE OUTRO BUT I WOULD HAVE TO HEAR IT TO KNOW FOR SURE.

thats all ive got to say. there are very few weaknesses. i like.
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#12
The whole song flows nicely and develops throughout the song to tell a story. Very well written. It is very easy to picture a finished song. Did I mention the flow is flawless?
Call me Dom
Quote by Dmaj7
I don't know how to count canadians, the metric system is hard

Quote by gregs1020
well if lbj pokes his head in here and there's no nuts shit's gonna go doooooooowwwwwwwwwn.



{Pedalboard Thread Native: The Muffin Man}
#13
Quote by heavyairship
thanks for the crit, it was very helpful. im not so good at crits but ill do my best.


No problem man, I really enjoyed reading your piece, glad I could be of some help to you =] and thanks for the crit, I didn't expect it to be as thorough as mine, sometimes I just get into the mood for reading/writing and I get into the critting. Cheers for looking in!

Quote by lby273
The whole song flows nicely and develops throughout the song to tell a story. Very well written. It is very easy to picture a finished song. Did I mention the flow is flawless?


Thanks man, really glad you got the flow so easily. Got anything you want me to take a look at? Thanks for your input mate, much appreciated =]
#14
'In between your dreams,
And your reality.'

"I'm falling in a world between dreams and reality...."

A line from Wintersun's 'Sleeping Stars' - I guessing its just a coincidental likeness

But yeah, not too bad at all. Nice Imagery, nice flow blah blah you get the idea.
#16
Quote by Skwisgar
'In between your dreams,
And your reality.'

"I'm falling in a world between dreams and reality...."

A line from Wintersun's 'Sleeping Stars' - I guessing its just a coincidental likeness

But yeah, not too bad at all. Nice Imagery, nice flow blah blah you get the idea.


Never heard of the band or the song to be honest, lol. Just coincidence, similar wording, but different meanings.

Cheers fors the look-in mate.
#17
This song would probably fit into Jack Johnson's In Between Dreams album pretty nicely

On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#19
Hey thanks for the crit. I don't know much about writing songs but I think you did a nice job with this one. I love the imagery. Rhythmically solid but for some reason I think the walk in the second verse should be walking. I especially liked the bridge through the end and I'm sure that the finished product with music will be cool.
#20



In Between Dreams
(C) Toby Cunningham 20th May 2008


Verse 1:

There’s a world outside your window,
But you’re locked behind your door,
I can hear you when you’re sleeping,
Wishing you could dream some more.

I LIKED THIS BUT IT THINK THIS AND THE SECOND VERSE SHOULD BE TOGETHER, IT'D GIVE IT MORE OF A FLOW.

Verse 2:

You watch the people walk by,
Wishing you could be like them.
But no matter what happens; I still
Think about you now and then.

THIS IS ONE OF MY LEAST FAVOURITE VERSES. IT DOESN'T SEEM TO FLOW AS WELL AS THE OTHERS. MAINLY DUE TO THE 3RD AND 4TH LINES. I LIKE WHAT YOU'RE PUTTING ACROSS IN THEM BUT IT NEEDS TO BE REPHRASED

Chorus 1:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
You always said, that there’s
Something I should know.
If I want to remember you,
Then I’ll have to let you go.

ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. IF PERFECTION HAD A RHYMING DEFINITION I'M PRETTY SURE THIS WOULD BE IT

Verse 3:

I sit here contemplating,
Beneath my own crown of thorns,
I could spend my whole life waiting,
To be surrounded by your warmth.

SAME AS FIRST AND 2ND, THEY SHOULD BE TOGETHER. BUT I REALLY LIKE THIS

Verse 4:

Walking towards the door,
You try to take a step outside,
You hear a gentle whisper,
“You don’t have to run and hide”.

I LIKE THE QUOTE IN IT, BUT MAYBE IT COULD BE A QUESTION. 'WHY DO YOU RUN AND HIDE?'

Chorus 2:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
I always listened,
To what you said that I should know.
Now I remember you,
And I don’t want to let you go.

Bridge:

So I walk into your room
And see the four walls that kept you in,
Through the window pours the sunshine,
Casting shadows on all within.
I look up into the sky,
It’s radiant and blue,
And I hear myself calling,
Calling, calling out for you.

I THINK CUT THE MIDDLE CALLING. IT JUST SEEM TO ROLL OF THE TONGUE A BIT BETTER THEN. OVERALL THE BRIDGE WAS REALLY GOOD THOUGH

Chorus 3:

It’s such a shame,
That I had to wait and see.
That all my dreams,
Could never be reality.
You’re the same,
Person I always knew.
And now I’ll never,
Never, never forget you.

THIS SEEMS TO ROUND UP THE WHOLE THING EXCELLENTLY, LOVED IT.

Outro:

I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream
I’ll just dream.

LIKE THIS BIT, WOULD WORK GREAT IF YOU WERE SLOWING DOWN AND THEN A WHISPER 'I'LL JUST DREAM'

9 OUT OF 10 OVERALL I THINK. WAS REALLY GOOD AND JUST NEEDS TO BE POLISHED AND IT'D BE AN EASY 10
hello
#22
Thanks for the crit man.

Anyways, I really liked it, I read it twice. I can't really find anything I dont like, just a few wording issues, but if I mentioned them they're screw up the flow. Anyways, good piece.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#23
Verse 1:

There’s a world outside your window,
But you’re locked behind your door,
I can hear you when you’re sleeping,
Wishing you could dream some more.

solid start i like it. i like the third line. first 2 i'm not too fond of but. it'll do no?

Verse 2:

You watch the people walk by,
Wishing you could be like them.
But no matter what happens; I still
Think about you now and then.

mm confusing u jsut jumped here. you go from relaly liking her. then u just kinda think about her now and then? good flow tho. and maybe put a comma after you " think about you, now and then.

Chorus 1:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
You always said, that there’s
Something I should know.
If I want to remember you,
Then I’ll have to let you go.

maybe you shoudl jsut take out "and yoru reality" i really dont like it it just donest seem to do antying and it jsut doesnt cut it as a good line. plus it would be cool to jsut sya in between dreams, leaving it kind of open to interpretation. last 2 lines i dont like either.. just seems contradictory and more then alittle unreasonable.

Verse 3:

I sit here contemplating,
Beneath my own crown of thorns,
I could spend my whole life waiting,
To be surrounded by your warmth.

solid stanza.

Verse 4:

Walking towards the door,
You try to take a step outside,
You hear a gentle whisper,
“You don’t have to run and hide”.

i like it. solid.

Chorus 2:

It’s such a shame,
That we have to wait and see,
In between your dreams,
And your reality.
I always listened,
To what you said that I should know.
Now I remember you,
And I don’t want to let you go.

good i like it


Bridge:

So I walk into your room
And see the four walls that kept you in,
Through the window pours the sunshine,
Casting shadows on all within.
I look up into the sky,
It’s radiant and blue,
And I hear myself calling,
Calling, calling out for you.

best damn stanza in this whole thing

Chorus 3:

It’s such a shame,
That I had to wait and see.
That all my dreams,
Could never be reality.
You’re the same,
Person I always knew.
And now I’ll never,
Never, never forget you.\

meh solid. good closing chorus

Outro:

I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream.
I’ll just dream, dream, dream
I’ll just dream.

over all i liked it. pretty good.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#24
No problem for the crit mastercad, I always enjoy reading other people's work. I'm glad you like the song, let me know when you have some more songs up I'd be happy to have a look at them.
#25
i know this is old but i found it in your signature and i have to respond because I am a huge Counting Crows fan. This has A Murder of One written all over it - even written in it...

My advice is don't try to write like Adam because thats way too hard and i've tried and it just makes you steal ideas and wordings from him like "casting shadows" or the emphasis on "shame". Try to develop your own style because if you try to write like Duritz then you're either gonna steal his stuff or get discouraged because its not as good.

This isn't a very productive critique but i just had to respond to another person who likes Counting Crows a lot - you don't find many on these boards.
#26
Fair enough man, I know there are similarities with wordings in there but this generally how I've been writing for quite a while, this was the first song I posted up that I thought I did a good job on during that time. There are always going to be similar phrasings in songs I guess it's just something that happens. It was never my intention to steal anything from the song, like I said it was written when I started writing in my current style.

Thanks for looking in though, always good to see more Counting Crows fans. I started a thread in Modern Rock but it died within about 5 days because of a lack of interest in the band, lol.

Anywho to the mods, I understand that dan's bump is on an old piece so you could close the thread if you want, don't want it taking priority over people's newer pieces.

Thanks

-Toby
#27
I think this is really good work and would love to hear a cut if you get it recorded. Even just the guitar for a feel. I love CCs, so I'm very interested.

I didn't know such a forum existed. I've written about 5 songs and have no idea what anyone would think. Maybe I'll post them. Wasn't really thinking of going public, more like a personal journal of songs, stored just in case I ever master guitar or learn how to sing. 2 big questions.

As for sounding like Adam, that is really hard. I have some songs that I tried to fashion after Jack Johnson or Counting Crows myself. And if you don't have your own style yet, it is really hard not to lean towards their chords, mood, or even words. If you're not going public with the songs trying to make money, I don't see the problem. If helps to develop your skills, I think its a good thing.

Oh, and if you kind of sound like Adam or like to sing with CC songs because you are close, it is impossible not to end up mimicking him. Of all bands I know the most CC tabs (at least 30) by heart. Whenever, I play I tell myself, "be yourself" half way through I'm stressing and pausing (or trying to) like Adam. I don't get the lack of interest for them. A LOT of people I talk to say, that all their songs sound the same. Yeah, I guess, but no one else sounds like them! And they have such awesome lyrics and music. And Adam is amazing at not breaking/timing lyrics on the normal beats. Anyways had to comment on the dead thread thing. Bummer, I would have joined (if I saw it, seems like finding things on this site is at totally random - I'm new to it).

I threw a song in here for the wolves to attack, see below:
Last edited by chall_99 at Jun 19, 2009,
#28
I don't have time to critique everything rly but ill say that I think the ABCB rhyme scheme is simple and unimpressive. I think you would do better if you try for more complex rhyme schemes.