#1
In a furnished concrete box of indulgence,
number seven (side entrance), anonymous square;
sitting down in the darkness of unpaid bills,
watching the veins of the walls, revealed
by old, peeling paint and a streetlight
that shines on them through the window.
I am suddenly independent
from whatever it was I used to be.
I am no longer me.

I am electricity,
running through the walls,
I’m the blood of the pipelines.
I am the water down the gutters,
the waste of the sewers,
I am the city.
I’m the broken down playgrounds,
I’m the broken hearted kids that play in them,
the billboard advertising holidays
and the cardboard sign that tells you the world is going to end.
I am the streets.
I am the city.
I’m the bane in the eyes of the bum,
I’m the bane in the eyes that look down on him.

I am the streetlight that allows him to write these lines.
This is not a pipe
#2
In a furnished concrete box of indulgence,
number seven (side entrance), anonymous square;
parenthetical interjections slow the flow
and complicate the read.
you're paying a high cost for that.

sitting down in the darkness of unpaid bills,
watching the veins of the walls, revealed
by old, peeling paint and a streetlight
that shines on them through the window.
this was a lot for me to process in one thought.
I am suddenly independent
from whatever it was I used to be.
I am no longer me.

I am electricity,
running through the walls,
I’m the blood of the pipelines.
I am the water down the gutters,
the waste of the sewers,
I am the city.
you flip between I'm and I am.
i think it would be interesting to experiment.
try using I am only for the city.
and starting the third and fifth lines of this with and
rather than I'm
I suspect that will do a nice job
of punctuating this section
without actually using a blank line.

I’m the broken down playgrounds,
I’m the broken hearted kids that play in them,
If you're interested in following the pattern i suggested,
that line would of course start with and
and the next with I'm

the billboard advertising holidays
and the cardboard sign that tells you that the world is going to end.
I am the streets.
I am the city.

I’m the bane in the eyes of the bum,
I’m the bane in the eyes that look down on him.

I am the streetlight that allows him to write these lines.


I got bogged down in the intro
but the rest was lovely.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
Quote by carmel_l
In a furnished concrete box of indulgence,
number seven (side entrance), anonymous square;
i loved the first line but the first half of the second line feels detached.
sitting down in the darkness of unpaid bills,
watching the veins of the walls, revealed
by old, peeling paint and a streetlight
that shines on them through the window.
I am suddenly independent
from whatever it was I used to be.
I am no longer me.
very good, very sweet. great use of rhythm there. strong imagery.

I am electricity,
running through the walls,
I’m the blood of the pipelines.
I am the water down the gutters,
the waste of the sewers,
now i didn't enjoy this part too much. not strong enough to everything else though independently it would work well. maybe cut this part out and incorporate the 'I am electricity' bit somewhere else to keep the title relevant.
I am the city.
I’m the broken down playgrounds,
I’m the broken hearted kids that play in them,
the billboard advertising holidays
and the cardboard sign that tells you that the world is going to end.
I am the streets.
I am the city.
I’m the bane in the eyes of the bum,
I’m the bane in the eyes that look down on him.
all this was mighty fine and i enjoyed the idea of the last two lines but felt that maybe they could be executed a bit better.

I am the streetlight that allows him to write these lines.
nice.


overall it was a great piece! if you want to return the favour and crit or comment mine, then that would be appreciated.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=864728
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#5
Quote by carmel_l
In a furnished concrete box of indulgence,
number seven (side entrance), anonymous square;
sitting down in the darkness of unpaid bills,
watching the veins of the walls, revealed
by old, peeling paint and a streetlight
that shines on them through the window.
I'm a sucker for rhyme, so I liked "entrance". I feel maybe it should be a full stop after square? I don't know. Maybe it's because as it stands, this sentence is very, very passive and therefore lackes a sort of activity about it. It's definitely the passiveness of this section that put me off. I suggest maybe re-wording this whole first sentence so that it starts with "sitting". Maybe just put "sitting" at the start of this section, and then a few lines down you'll have "watching". Not only will it lead to a more active sentence, but you will avoid the close proximity of the verbs. "them" also stood out for me, it reads like it refers to flakes of paint at the moment. It stood out quite al ot on further reads. Maybe re-think the word choice there?
I am suddenly independent
from whatever it was I used to be.
I am no longer me.

I am electricity,
I loved the stanza break, it worked great with the rhyme.
running through the walls,
I’m the blood of the pipelines.
I am the water down the gutters,
the waste of the sewers,
I am the city.
I think a full stop after "sewers" makes this line stand out better. A short, snappy sentence like that would really hold a lot more impact in my opinion.
I’m the broken down playgrounds,
I’m the broken hearted kids that play in them,
I felt the idea could be quite conflicting for the reader. roken hearted kids in playgrounds didn't sit well with me, I don't feel broken hearted is the best thing, here. It's not really explored, either, so I think it isn't neccessary to add this extra bit of mystery/depth in when it's not further explored. My thoughts.
the billboard advertising holidays
and the cardboard sign that tells you that the world is going to end.
I am the streets.
I am the city.
Okay, maybe ignore the above sentence, this works fine. Ugh, that's critting on the go for you.
I’m the bane in the eyes of the bum,
I’m the bane in the eyes that look down on him.

I am the streetlight that allows him to write these lines.
A very delectable ending, Carmel. Strong, with enough dept for personal interpretation of the piece as a whole.


Hope any of that helped in any way.

#6
3 points I struggled with most on this one were the wording of the first stanza, the punctuation of the first stanza and the play of "I am" and "I'm" throughout the piece, all of which you guys mentioned.

The first point, I will probably rework this a bit, even though I usually don't touch my pieces again, but I really like this one. I had many images running in my head and didn't want to make the "intro" stanza too long or too complex. It was a great struggle, and I can tell you that when I started working on this piece the first stanza didn't look ANYTHING, content-wise, like it does now.

The second point, Jamie, and whoever else mentioned punctuation, I kept moving commas, periods, semi colons... I raped this stanza in that aspect. I'm really not settled on that and I take your words very seriously. Stuff will definitely change. I just can't decide how, lol.

The last point, which you guys also mentioned... lol, I'm not even going to go into how much I changed those two around while writing this piece. We'll be here all day. Suffice to say every time I re-read it, I change my mind about at least one of those, and I'll probably never stop. And you probably won't either, if you read it enough times... hehe.

Thanks so much for all the critiques, I will return what is due later today.
This is not a pipe
#7
If mine was worth anything, maybe read my recent tomorrow, or after you've done the others?
i think it's pretty settled, but i'd like a casual read and your opinion on the "voice".

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=866294

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Quote by carmel_l
In a furnished concrete box of indulgence,
number seven (side entrance), anonymous square;
sitting down in the darkness of unpaid bills,
watching the veins of the walls, revealed
by old, peeling paint and a streetlight
that shines on them through the window.
I am suddenly independent
from whatever it was I used to be.
I am no longer me.

Yeah this is a very different side of you, as far as the style of writing is concerned. It just had a much darked tone to it... normally your pieces are serious but lighthearted all at once... which is one of the things that gives your pieces such an attraction, they are such and enigma. But to be honest, I prefer this... it much, stronger. Things I didn't like: the break after revealed, I thought the idea was done. The last three lines... they were just sort of cheesy after such intensely intimate build-up. I know you need the "unpaid bills" to set-up the piece... but when you look at it, just from this stanza, it sort of seems very out of place... which I suppose it good because it builds the "WTF-factor" however, it does seem sort of weak on the first read. I like this though... a lot.

I am electricity,
running through the walls,
I’m the blood of the pipelines.
I am the water down the gutters,
the waste of the sewers,
I am the city.
I’m the broken down playgrounds,
I’m the broken hearted kids that play in them,
the billboard advertising holidays
and the cardboard sign that tells you that the world is going to end.
I am the streets.
I am the city.
I’m the bane in the eyes of the bum,
I’m the bane in the eyes that look down on him.

I am the streetlight that allows him to write these lines.

My favorite thing you've written. To me, this just speaks volumes, I found truth in every line, some sort of personal connection to every idea. It was just awesome. There were some cliche and cheesy ideas though... "I am the streets, I am the city." Those stuck out as poor lost souls against a sea or enlightenment... they were just too ordinary.


#9
I like to re-read pieces that i've tried to crit and see what others had to say about the piece.
While i was doing that, I noticed something I missed the first time.


I’m the broken hearted kids that play in them

that is used this way often enough that it's not considered a grammatic error.
but who would be more appropriate.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
3
Quote by carmel_l
In a furnished concrete box of indulgence,
number seven (side entrance), anonymous square;
sitting down in the darkness of unpaid bills,
watching the veins of the walls, revealed
by old, peeling paint and a streetlight
that shines on them through the window.
I am suddenly independent
from whatever it was I used to be.
I am no longer me.

Great, but on further read, I don't like how long the idea in the middle is. Your first couplet sets up this flurry of facts, giving it a more rushed feel, but the next two couplets that follow are just a big sentence, ever growing. I feel it clashed with the mood I felt from the first two lines. But that's just the impression I get. The last three lines are great.

I am electricity,
running through the walls,
I’m the blood of the pipelines.
I am the water down the gutters,
the waste of the sewers,
I am the city.
I’m the broken down playgrounds,
I’m the broken hearted kids that play in them,
the billboard advertising holidays
and the cardboard sign that tells you that the world is going to end.
I am the streets.
I am the city.
I’m the bane in the eyes of the bum,
I’m the bane in the eyes that look down on him.

I am the streetlight that allows him to write these lines.

I love it. I thought "the broken hearted kids" line was pretty choppy rhythm-wise. The "cardboard sign" line was sort of funky, too. I think the second "that" could've been omitted. But all in all, pure bliss. Love love love.


You're an amazing writer.
Thanks for your critiques on mine.