#1
Okay so these are the first lyrics that I wrote.


Dreamless man.

one man,denied of dreams
nothing inside.
Stripped from pride,
he roams in hell
Hell on earth
The devil - his best friend.

Chorus
Roam,roam dreamless man
dont try to end your hate
for its the only thing in you.

If he dies nothing awaits him
god dosent have a place for him
The devil dosent want him.

Chorus
Roam,roam dreamless man
dont try to end your hate
for its the only thing in you.

Roam,roam dreamless one,
roam this hell
for its the only thing you can do.
You can't die.You can't feel.
only hate is what you need.
take it,embrace it and then you may
to real hell the way to dwell.


crit and tips are welcome
#2
Hey man glad to see you re-posted it. I only reported the last thread cause it would have been closed anyway, hope there's no hard feelings =]

one man,denied of dreams
nothing inside.
Stripped from pride,
he roams in hell
Hell on earth
The devil - his best friend.


I like this opening, it's very strong and sets about your idea straight away. Perhaps you could put a comma on the end of the first line, just to make it flow onto the next line more smoothly, otherwise "denied of dreams nothing inside" is one continuous line which isn't as effective. I like the line "Stripped from pride" but maybe change from to of, something to think about. The repetition of hell should be seperated with a comma, but it is a great thign to repeat as it emphasises this man's turmoil of having no-one except the devil to rely on.

Chorus
Roam,roam dreamless man
dont try to end your hate
for its the only thing in you.


I'll crit the choruses at the end, as they are all the same.

If he dies nothing awaits him
god doesn't have a place for him
The devil doesn't want him.


Although it's short, this verse is great. It's simple and straight to the point. Again the repetition works to great effect, really emphasising the struggle of the man. Maybe you could add "anymore" to the last line to bring a sense of continuity in from the first verse.

Chorus
Roam,roam dreamless man
dont try to end your hate
for its the only thing in you.


For a chorus I think it's a little too short, maybe you could elaborate on the idea of not trying to end his hate. It seems as if this hate is a character trait of his, and is the only thing that can keep him going, almost the only thing that can keep him human.

Roam,roam dreamless one,
roam this hell, Add a comma here as it rolls on nicely to the next line.
for its the only thing you can do. These three lines are a great beginning to the final verse, they tie together the ideas from the previous verses which creates a sense of continuity.
You can't die.You can't feel.
only hate is what you need. Again nice use of repetition and continuity. Nothing wrong with these two lines
take it,embrace it and then you may
to real hell the way to dwell.


The final two lines are weak and seem out of place to me. The idea is there, but you haven't put it across in a convincing way because they make little sense.

For your first lyrics these are a great try man, you manage to get your message across right at the beginning but are able to keep the reader's attention throughout by continuing your theme of his struglle and hate. Although there are a few gramatical mistakes here and there, they don't take anything away from the piece, and these are things you can always work on in the future i.e. your use of punctuation could be worked on a little more. Hope my criticisms help you and let me know when you have another piece up and I'll give it another read. Kepp up the good work mate!

Could you return the crit on my latest song, I'd love to see what you think of it. Here's the link: In Between Dreams

Thanks in advance

-Toby