#1
This is a lyric about the end and rebeginning of different things , on the one hand it describes the nature , on the other hand in a deeper meta-level it describes the seed of hope sprouting again , i hope you enjoy it



Before the Storm

Another Leaf has fallen from a quite vacated tree
fallen down and landed on the ground
Empty limbs where leafs were expected to be
a picture rubbing salt into the wound

The chances have passed without one I dared to seize
Now abandonment again reigns my mind
the times I'd have another one I thought I saw with ease
the tree is empty now for I was blind

Find myself in a place lorn
but now I understand
this is not the end
it's just the calm Before the Storm

Nightfall lays his dark cloak all over the land
Silence replaces the day's noise
The numbness deep in me has come to an end
for deeper grows a dominating voice

Rain clouds cover the horizon
the thunderstorm has arrived here
Thunder and Lightning bring back sound to the world
But my conscience is all I can hear

It demands on me another try
with advertise I can't deny
promising companionship
an assurance I have to clip

Expecting that it won't be wrong
again for I will not go on
if I am fooled another time
simply hoping makes no crime

Tempest is destructive
for the lightning brings the fire
to reduce all achievements to glow
but it also is seductive
rain awakens the desire
for everything to start from new and grow

Shreds of clouds still cover the horizon
but the winds have left a sky clear
The water has returned the life to the forest
For me I see a future right here



I'm also interested in your lyrics so please leave me a link if you want t some critics

Greymane
#2
This has a ton of problems. Mostly due to the way you phrase things. Some things are just never said the way you've said them. The ones that sound clumsy, should be changed. But others should probably be left as-is, to give it character.

I'm not in the right frame of mind to do a proper crit, at this moment.
But I will be back with lots to say. This has some potential.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
I think they're pretty good
If we are all god's children, what makes Jesus so damn special?
#4
brilliant. you really know what your doing. it flowed beautifuly, and i loved the way you phrased everything so you had to pay close attention to understand. i dont know if this is a song or a poem but either way its great. dont change anything.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=866033
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#5
i like it but i would use forlorn instead of lorn
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#6
A song without a refrain?

Anyway, this definitely feels like more of a poem that a song to me, I can't quite see it as a song. If you have a way of playing it that would make it a song, then go ahead, the words themselves seem quite good (aside from a few grammatical errors that will surely be noticed in the actual singing of the song anyway).

And I also agree with Eggmond about "forlorn" vs. "lorn".
#7
Before the Storm

Another Leaf has fallen from a quite vacated tree
quite vacated is an unusual way to say this
phrased that way, it implies that it's desirable or attractive.
this conflicts with the usual.
nearly barren would be one way of saying this.

fallen down and landed on the ground
you used fallen in the first line
repetition can be a good thing,
but when used like this.
it looks like you don't have much to say.
try doing something with the leaf
have it tumble or drift to the ground.

Empty limbs where leafs were expected to be *leaves
you've taken our focus back to the tree itself
were expected to be is an odd way of saying this
one would expect hear:
once were
or
used to be
but i don't see your expession causing any harm.
this could easily stay.

a picture rubbing salt into the wound
truly odd metaphor.
but i like it.


The chances have passed without one I dared to seize
Now abandonment again reigns my mind
the times I'd have another one I thought I saw with ease
the tree is empty now for I was blind
the thought patterns here are complicated and wordy
i understand what you're trying to accomplish
but the read is difficult.


Find myself in a place lorn
but now I understand
this is not the end
it's just the calm Before the Storm
this opens poorly,
doesn't do much in the middle,
then finally delivers your title phrase.
scrap the first three lines entirely
and look for another way to introduce the fourth.


Nightfall lays his dark cloak all over the land
i like the personification of Nightfall by giving him a gender.
you don't really have to make the cloak dark unless you need the word for rhythm.
lays could be replaced by spreads.
all over could be replaced by across.
neither change is all that necessary.
but i think they add a little.

Silence replaces the day's noise
The numbness deep in me has come to an end
for deeper grows a dominating voice
this is contradictory.
the dominating voice is growing
but you just said the noise was replaced by silence.


Rain clouds cover the horizon
you mention the horizon later
it serves a purpose there
by moving the remnants of the storm at a distance.
save horizon for later, and do something else here.

the thunderstorm has arrived here
here feels tacked on.
the line makes sense without it.
and you're about to rhyme homophones
that's two small weaknesses.
see if you can do something better with this.

Thunder and Lightning bring back sound to the world
But my conscience is all I can hear
this is about halfway and i've said a lot.
i'm losing my critical eye,
so i'll stop now.
maybe someone else will look closely at the rest.
or maybe i'll continue later.
i think there's still more you can learn from tightening up this piece.
but it's worth reading to begin with
and i think the effort will improve the piece as well as your skills.


It demands on me another try
with advertise I can't deny
promising companionship
an assurance I have to clip

Expecting that it won't be wrong
again for I will not go on
if I am fooled another time
simply hoping makes no crime

Tempest is destructive
for the lightning brings the fire
to reduce all achievements to glow
but it also is seductive
rain awakens the desire
for everything to start from new and grow

Shreds of clouds still cover the horizon
but the winds have left a sky clear
The water has returned the life to the forest
For me I see a future right here
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at May 24, 2008,
#8
Tempest is destructive
for the lightning brings the fire
to reduce all achievements to glow
but it also is seductive
rain awakens the desire
for everything to start from new and grow

In this line intead of from new i'd use anew. other than that, i loved it. very poetic and haunting. Very wll written.

crit mine, Pathetic and Savior in a Tragedy. Thank You and your welcome.