#1
Havent posted for a while I guess so I wanted to post something I wrote today. I'm writing alot. its fun. I know I owe a lot and I will try to get to yours by the end of tonight (specially you Jamie, I owe you a bajillion just like old times). Please try to comment on this as I'm sure I've screwed something up.



Links Awakening DX: The Windfish Sleeps Soundly


They were smiling from their Friday payday,
The two Mexicans that got on the bus
And they sat behind a cool art school girl
Who had dirty pigtails and
Who always preferred to be nameless.
She was smiling though,
Like a grandmother,
And you could tell
How much laughing she had done in her life
By the faint wrinkles down her face.
The sun graced through the windows,
And illuminated the seats where
No one was sitting.
The mailboxes washed by;
And reminded them of things they had to do,
And reminded them of people they had to love,
And reminded them of places they had to go
Before they died.
The trees washed by,
And, as if seeing something they know to be invisible
Move,
They shivered,
And laughed it off to themselves.
#3
to answer the question Poetry---->Tits?

nope.

and this was okay. I've seen better from you though.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#4
Here's my question: Why?

Why a school bus? Why this setting that we all know and could be said in one sentence? Why a grandmother?

For me this piece is selective prose, a piece stripped to its bones, so as it stands, is ugly to most of us. If you want to turn this around, imo, you need to build the tension far more, using your diction to subtly yet intrinsically link with the final, most superior lines in the piece. Describing an all to common scene is currently not working in the grand scheme of the piece.

All the above is not to say I didn't take anything from the piece, or enjoy it mind.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
school bus? wha? It was supposed to be a regular bus... And the grandmother thing connects to everything the piece is about. I probably should build the tension better but, I dunno, there wasnt much tension in the situation that I had in mind, just three common people going about a common activity when they all shiver and wonder what it was about and go on riding the bus. Why? Well (if talking about the piece in general), I guess I can't really answer that, but in my mind I don't think I need to. Shrug.

Thanks you three alot, and its great to hear from you (Mike) and you (Steve) on one of my pieces. So yea, thanks. And I am playing the game right now and I thought the title was cool in context of the piece.
#6
It's perfect understatement. I really liked the piece. It's kind of inspirning me to do someting with the idea if you don't mind.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#7
Sorry my bad on the school bus.

I won't repeat myself but I will say that I just didn't get what you were aiming at with this. If you were going for these 3 common lives, we need to know more about them, as it is I couldn't care less if they shiver or not. Hence why I thought prose would be more appropriate.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
Meh to this. It wasn't bad but I won't remember it (save for title) by tomorrow. To be honest, it felt a bit "same old, same old." It was a dylan piece, in every sense. Quirky points of view, hinting at some message but not giving quite enough to actually get there, and generally just amusing.

I won't say I didn't like it, because that would be untrue... but like you always say to me, "what was the point here? Who did you write this for, and what were THEY supposed to take out of it?" Feel free to PM and explain. And I don't mean to be an ass and throw your own shit back at you... your shit is helpful... just the same thing applies.
#9
Thanks you two, and I didnt mean to be snappy to you Steve I just kinda wanted you to expand on what you said (so thank you for that).

I'll be gone for the next five days because I'm going on an ornithology trip, but I'll return crits when I get back.

Again, major thanks.

And Matt, your comment made my day (figuratively).
#10
Quote by #1 synth

I'll be gone for the next five days because I'm going on an ornithology trip, but I'll return crits when I get back.



#11
They were smiling from their Friday payday,
The two Mexicans that got on the bus
And they sat behind a cool art school girl
I didn't like "art school girl". "School girl" is so.... lame. I'd use "art student". This opening is very very weak. Not because it's that bad, but because the rest of the piece is really really good.
Who had dirty pigtails and
Who always preferred to be nameless.
She was smiling though,
Like a grandmother,
And you could tell
How much laughing she had done in her life
By the faint wrinkles down her face.
See, you went very descriptive, got down to the details. Just left me wondering where those Mexicans go and left this first part of the piece very unbalanced. Just rework this and the piece would be amazing.
The sun graced through the windows,
I don't think you can use "graced" like that. The sun needs to grace something, not just grace through... it feels awkward and off.
And illuminated the seats where
No one was sitting.
Seats and sitting didn't sit well with me (yay pun). I tried thinking of a few alternatives but didn't find anything that I particularly liked, and it's your piece anyway. Maybe think this one.
The mailboxes washed by;
And reminded them of things they had to do,
And reminded them of people they had to love,
And reminded them of places they had to go
Before they died.
I thought you'd be better off with switching between the places and the love lines. Even if it means it's going to read "reminded them of people they had to love before they died." I think it's even stronger and I think that it works better rhythm-wise. I loved this bit though.
The trees washed by,
And, as if seeing something they know to be invisible
Move,
They shivered,
And laughed it off to themselves.
Perfect.

I really liked this piece, however, I do understand some of the people that said it was forgettable and a bit bland. You wrote it right, but there was not even one "wow" moment, something that will make me remember this a week from now, and I think that this piece deserves it, because it was very well written. Then again, I'm a fan of the simple moments, the simple wording and simple scenes. So I didn't think it was as "meh" as some.

I'm with Matt on this. Inspiring is the word I'd use to describe it.
This is not a pipe